I just got some new Cretacolor conte pencils; I really like them, they have a nice, velvety black. And I also got a little Moleskine sketchbook. So, I'm going to start drawing portraits. Here's Rip Torn, looking a little like Josh Brolin and a little like some other guy who isn't Rip Torn.

"A book is like a man—clever and dull, brave and cowardly, beautiful and ugly. For every flowering thought there will be a page like a wet and mangy mongrel, and for every looping flight a tap on the wing and a reminder that wax cannot hold the feathers firm too near the sun."

--John Steinbeck, via Letters of Note

Banksy on Advertising

via this isn't happiness

via Jerkstore

"You can’t afford to be too precious about your work. Caring is important, but preciousness is the opposite of making stuff. There is no room on the internet for Special Snowflakes who want to procrastinate all day and then drink themselves to sleep and dream about their unwritten novel."

--Jesse Thorn, excerpt from his 12 Point Program for Absolutely, Positively, 1000% No-Fail Guaranteed Success, via Transom

Don Knotts/Smokey the Bear mashup, apparently. Via Punk Rock Mom Jeans

Saru Dango

via Awkward Stock Photos

On the Road

I'm in the airport, waiting to catch a flight to Bloomington, Indiana. There are business people all around, talking about important things on their phones.

"I'm making deals!"

"Here's what I think about that thing--I'm angry! That business business is business, Bob."

"I'm a boss, so I'm not afraid to talk tough. Paper paper numbers account thing. Are you kidding me?"

"Would a stupid person speak this confidently? I don't think so."

The Audacity of Louis Ortiz

Louis Ortiz is an Obama impersonator who was featured recently on an episode of This American Life. Before Obama ran for president, Ortiz was unemployed, broke, and suffering from m.s. Looking like Obama has helped him make a little money—appearing in Japanese films, rap videos, and an episode of Flight of the Concords—but he's still struggling. His life has also become very weird. Filmmaker Ryan Murdock has been following Louis for almost a year, and is trying to raise money to turn the footage into a movie. You can see the trailer [which looks pretty good] over at Kickstarter.

Most girls would be happy to model on a magazine cover—but Candy isn't most girls. Smut peddlers! Thrill pills! Zip-gun killers! The good old days, when a goon was a goon! What's a zip-gun? Just googled it: it's an improvised firearm. Apparently they were very popular with teenage gangs in the 50s. I wonder why they went out of style? I guess they realized non-improvised guns were better. Image via Generic Eric

New old Westlake novel

Hard Case Crime is releasing a previously unpublished Westlake, The Comedy is Finished.

The year is 1977, and America is finally getting over the nightmares of Watergate and Vietnam and the national hangover that was the 1960s. But not everyone is ready to let it go.

Not aging comedian Koo Davis, friend to generals and presidents and veteran of countless USO tours to buck up American troops in the field. And not the five remaining members of the self-proclaimed People's Revolutionary Army, who've decided that kidnapping Koo Davis would be the perfect way to bring their cause back to life...

The final, previously unpublished novel from the legendary Donald Westlake!

D.H. Lawrence curses eloquently

Excerpt from a letter written by D.H. while in a foul mood:

Curse the blasted, jelly-boned swines, the slimy, the belly-wriggling invertebrates, the miserable sodding rotters, the flaming sods, the snivelling, dribbling, dithering palsied pulse-less lot that make up England today. They've got white of egg in their veins, and their spunk is that watery it's a marvel they can breed. They can but frog-spawn — the gibberers! God, how I hate them! God curse them, funkers. God blast them, wish-wash. Exterminate them, slime.

I could curse for hours and hours — God help me.

It's such a pleasure to read well-written insults. You can see the rest of the letter at Letters of Note

Frog porn, via Power Trip.

Occupy New York.

Money v. Happiness

Only rich people say, “Money can’t buy happiness.” If you ask a poor person, “If you had a million dollars, what would you buy?” they will never say, “First let me tell you what I couldn’t buy: happiness.”

Me: If I had money, I’d buy a trip to the dentist.

Rich dude: You know the dentist doesn’t sell happiness.

Me: That’s okay, I’d still like to get this cavity filled.

Rich dude: So you think not having a throbbing abscess in your jawbone will bring you happiness?

Me: Well . . .

Rich dude: See? This is why you’re poor. You think too small.

Me: I guess you’re right. Thanks for the advice.

Rich dude: My pleasure. That’ll be $5.

Moebius draws Marvel: Spiderman, Iron Man, and Elektra.

Bogie admires the way Hepburn can knock em down.

"There is a tragic flaw in our precious Constitution, and I don't know what can be done to fix it. This is it: Only nut cases want to be president."

--Kurt Vonnegut

John Hughes’ commentary: The closer he looks at the child, the less he sees…The more he looks at it, there’s nothing there and I think he fears that the more you look at him, the less you see—there isn’t anything there. That’s him.

Vacation

Sorry I didn't post for a couple days, I was on vacation, skiing at Lake Placid. LOOK HOW FANCY I AM! I ski near lakes. Take that, expectations!

I just realized that nobody probably noticed my posting lag, and that therefore this apology is unnecessary. However if nobody noticed the posting lag, then nobody will notice this post either, so I might as well go for it. If you blog into the void long enough, the void blogs back.

Bobcat Goldthwait has a new movie

God Bless America. Watch the trailer here.

In the middle of life, death comes

to take your measurements. The visit

is forgotten and life goes on. But the suit

is being sewn on the sly.

--Tomas Transtromer

Ziggy, Iggy, and Lou

Going to see them tonight at the TROC.

"Get away from her, you bitch!"

Top Five Regrets

Ti West Interview

The AV Club just interviewed Ti West, director of The House of the Devil, about his new film The Innkeepers. I saw The Innkeepers at a Philly film festival a couple months ago, and I loved it. West is well known for the slow burn of his films, and The Innkeepers exercises an taut restraint you won't find in many modern horror movies.

The Innkeepers is about a haunted hotel, and it was shot at the hotel West and his Crew stayed at while filming The House of the Devil. From the AV Club interview:

When we made House Of The Devil, we lived in this hotel [The Yankee Pedlar in Torrington, Connecticut]. And we made this satanic movie out in the middle of nowhere, but weird stuff would happen at the hotel. The whole town was obsessed with it being haunted; the people that worked there were obsessed with it being haunted. Cast and crew started believing it was haunted. So I wrote a movie about the experiences we had making that movie. That’s really where the inspiration came from.

At the end of the viewing I attended there was a brief Q&A. A couple people asked smart, technical film questions about lenses and stuff. I was a little confused by the film's ambiguous ending, so I looked like a big dummy by essentially asking, "Did the movie end the way I thought it ended?!" And they said, "Sorry, we refuse to answer that question." Then someone asked another question about lenses, and I accidentally swallowed my chewing gum.

The Innkeepers is showing right now at the Ritz at the Bourse, so if you live in Philly you should check it out. It's creepy. And funny.

the art of Ed Emberly

When I was a kid I used to go nuts over Ed Emberly's many mammoth drawing books. The pages are packed with little characters, and he shows you how to draw them using simple lines and shapes. You can't get the full effect from these images, you really have to see the books as a whole, so I highly recommend picking up a few, especially if you have a kid you want to introduce to drawing. I wonder if Tom Gauld was influenced by Emberly? Their figures are similar.

the Ministry of Secret Jokes

See the show this Wednesday, February 8th, at 8pm. Upstairs at Fergie's Pub, 1214 Sansom St. Philadelphia.

We'll have standup comedy, Pander Bears, drum solos, full-body massage, and an Omniana battle between Chip Chantry and Mayo, the only sentient condiment in Philadelphia.

Less info at ministryofsecretjokes.com

"I'm going to find it and I'm going to destroy it. I don't know how yet. Possibly with dynamite."

Million Dollar Sitcom Ideas

Heaven Helpus!

logline:

This guy has a really unusual name: Heaven Helpus. He's a cab driver, but on his taxi license he put a fake name because he doesn't want passengers to make dumb jokes about his name all day. Also, he hates talking to people.

(Note: great sitcom to follow God Awful on ABC's Monday night Religious Puns hour.)

Million Dollar Sitcom Ideas

God Awful

logline:

It's like Bad Teacher, but with God instead of a teacher. So, he's like bad. But he's not Satan. He's like God but he curses. Judas is his goofy neighbor, and his misguided attempts to help out always cause all sorts of trouble.

Million Dollar Sitcom Ideas

Small Consolation

logline:

A professional leg model loses her glamorous gams in a boating accident, but is able to move into a ritzy gated circus community by pretending to be a midget.

American Psycho

Groundhog Day.

Happy Groundhog Day

via Sofa Pizza

Publishing news

B&N has announced it won't stock books published by Amazon. However in a magnanimous gesture it will continue to offer prime shelf real estate to books published by its own imprint, Sterling Publishing.

Super Mario Bros

Super Mario Bros. posters by Olly Moss, via Superpunch.

FUNNY PRANKS THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES CAN PLAY ON THE VICE PRESIDENT

• Handcuff a suitcase to the vice president’s arm and command him not to open it unless there’s a nuclear war. Fake a nuclear war. When he opens the suitcase, have it be full of naked photos of his wife.

• Tell him that his job is very important. He fills a crucial role in the administration, and you value his contributions. Then ask him to empty your wastebasket.

• Have a Senior Advisor tell him that a new poll shows that Americans love it when he wears a bowtie.

• Ask him to stand in the corner of the oval office.

• Tell him that the White House needs to take a stronger stance on terrorism, and therefore you’d like him to drop the f-bomb sometime in his next speech.

• When foreign dignitaries visit, tell them the vice president speaks their language, then seat them together at lunch.

• Fake your own assassination. As the vice president is being sworn in as the president, have the first lady walk up and smack him in the face. ALTERNATE: Have the first lady walk up and kiss him on the lips, for a really long time.

• Ask him if he’s ever masturbated in the White House. Before he can answer, say, “Hold on a second,” and ask the director of the CIA to step in. Then say, “Okay, now answer.”

• Casually pass a joint around the table at a Cabinet meeting. If the vice president demurs, have the Attorney General assure him it’s cool.

• Walk into his office shuffling a stack of papers and looking confused. Say, “I don’t know what we should do about the economy. What do you think?” Ask him to write a 100 page report on the economic climate and give it to you tomorrow. When he hands it to you the next day, say, “Oh, the economy—yeah we fixed that already.” Then call him by the Secretary of Agriculture’s name.

• Wrap everything in his office in tinfoil. IMPORTANT: Have the CIA dose the vice president with LSD ahead of time.

• Displace a tribe of Native Americans from their land to erect a national monument, and name it after the vice president.