Ghost Story

Ghost stories don't scare you anymore once you grow up. But that's just because they don't change to reflect your adult fears.

This young girl was at her parent's house all alone. And this guy kept calling and saying he was going to kill her. So the cops traced the call and they told her, "The call is coming from upstairs! GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!"

But she didn't get out of the house. She lived there for the next fifteen years, long after most of her friends had already bought their own homes and started families. The creepy murderer still called every now and then and he'd say things like, "Aren't you a little old to still be living at home?"

Then one dark, stormy night, as lightning tore the sky and thundered in the dark hills she got invited to her best friend's wedding—but she couldn't find a date so she had to ask the telephone creeper to go with her. And when he showed up he had a ponytail—but not a cool ponytail. After they met in person he stopped calling her, and then SHE started making creepy phone calls to HIM, until one night she called and a woman answered. She sounded pretty.

Upper Class Twit of the Year.

Sofia and Bill on the set of Lost in Translation, via Haw-lin

Quote by Charles M. Schulz, illustration by Chris Ware, drawn by Chris Ware. Via Hey Oscar Wilde!

Smells Like Teen Spirit

How the Comedy Nerd Took Over is an op-ed at the New York Times about Bill Burr's recent criticisms of the alternative comedy scene. I agree with Burr's comment that the alternative scene is insular, and not an accurate reflection of mainstream comedy culture—but that's it's purpose! The alternative scene—in any art form—nurtures whatever the mainstream neglects. 
I also strongly disagree with his assertion that a good comic should be able to kill in any room. If that's your goal, then you can't do weird experimental stuff, you're limiting yourself. If alternative comedy was actually worthless, people wouldn't go to alternative shows, there would be no scene. The movement's existence shows that performers and audiences alike are hungry for a new type of comedy, and I admire comics who are willing to venture into that unexplored territory. I agree that alternative comedy has its own tropes and weaknesses—such as when comics pretend to be more nervous than they are, or tell jokes that are intentionally unfunny—but it doesn't have any more than mainstream comedy.
You could argue that the alternative scene is a reaction against traditional standup; it's mean spiritedness, vulgarity, homophobia, sexism, and general lack of creativity. Bill Burr's rant proves that all those flaws are still entrenched in mainstream comedy. His unwillingness to accept alternative comedy proves the movement's relevance.
Illustration by Tom Gauld

Want to learn how to capture Hunter S. Thompson's unique sartorial aplomb? Nerd Boyfriend tells you how.

via Sports Page

Kurt Vonnegut's Tenure at Sports Illustrated was Brief

via Shaun Usher

I like to imagine this sign was made by John Kensil. via kristenbobisten

Beautiful song.

Louis CK and Colbert shot by Gillian Laub for Time's the 100 Most Influential People, 2012.

Evidence that Darwin's six emotional categories aren't universally recognized.

The Ministry of Secret Jokes

The Ministry of Secret Jokes is this Wednesday, April 18, 8pm, upstairs at Fergie's Pub, 1214 Sansom St.

PERFORMING STANDUP: the Legendary WID, Brendan Kennedy, John McKeever, and me. If you've never seen the WID before, you have to check him out. He's the Eastern Seaboard's Premiere Prop Comic ™, and he is a sight to behold. Watching his act is more like seeing the Grand Canyon or Mount Rushmore than seeing a comedy show. Which is to say: it's epic.

SPECIAL EVENT: Rap Battle. Reigning champ Blangalangalang battles Frank Dirt, Cinderella Slick, and Rob Banelongpolishname.

OMNIANA BATTLE: Mayo is going to be at the Flyer's game, so I'm not sure who'll be battling yet.

There's a good chance this will be the last Ministry. The Ministry's Ukranian headquarters is threatening to revoke our license.

Less info at ministryofsecretjokes.com

Our nation's first and second black presidents. More Bill, less kill! via Drew Angerer

The Quietest Room in the World

Holy crap, this is awesome:

There’s a room in the U.S that’s so quiet it becomes unbearable after a short time. The longest that anyone has survived in the ‘anechoic chamber’ at Orfield Laboratories in South Minneapolis is just 45 minutes.

It’s 99.99 per cent sound absorbent and holds the Guinness World Record for the world’s quietest place, but stay there too long and you may start hallucinating.

via the New Shelton Wet/Dry

photo by Walker Pickering

"Everybody has a plan until they get punched in the face."

--Mike Tyson

Google's mind-boggling interview process revealed, via the New Shelton Wet Dry

Austin, Texas

I've been in Austin Texas for a couple days now. I'm performing at Cap City, opening for Anthony Jeselnik, who is very funny. I'm crashing with my friend Nolan Gilbride, who's visiting from Omaha. We're staying at his friends' house, and they have a pool but you can't swim in it because it's green. Last night there was a cockroach inside the couch where I was sleeping, and Nolan let me sleep on the air matress instead, because THAT'S THE KIND OF GUY HE IS. If we were in 'Nam together, I'm sure he'd let me sleep on the air matress as well, or jump on an air matress to save my life, or whatever.

We went to the Alamo Draft House today, and that place is sweet. They show a lot of old movies, and they have excellent taste. We saw The Cabin in the Woods; it was my second viewing, and that film gets better every time you see it. It's flawless; the rare film that's carefully constructed with complex layers that still seem loose and freewheeling when you view it casually.

Everything About this Nike Video is a Terrible Fucking Lie

Hey Kitten, what you doing?

Wanna play the guitar?

You say, "What's that sound coming out of the hole in the wood?"

You say, "What's that sound coming out of the hole in the wood?"

You say, "What's that sound coming out of the hole in the wood?"

It's the guitar.

Ti West and Bedbugs

Ti West, the director of House of the Devil and the Innkeepers is one of my favorite modern horror directors, and he just bought the film rights to a book whose cover I designed! News here at Deadline. Designed by me, cover photo by Jonathan Pushnik.

Ze Frank is Funny

I'm glad he surpassed his Kickstarter goal. Go get em, Ze!

In November Louis CK released his fourth full-length comedy special, Live at the Beacon Theater, as a direct download on his website. No distribution partner, no expensive marketing plan, no TV support, nothing but word of mouth and internet buzz. The low overhead of self-distributing the special allowed him to offer it for the unusually low price of $5. The special made over a million dollars by the end of December and is still selling strong.

Fast Company has an interesting article that explores whether or not this [insanely successful] distribution model could work for other comedians. [Illustration by Tony Millionaire.]

This sounds like an Omniana location card! via Superpunch 2

24-hour Woman, by Scott Lenhardt, who has a Kickstarter here.

via Bunnyfood

William Shatner ain't afraid of no ghosts. via Shatner himself.

D.H. Lawrence, Snake

A snake came to my water-trough
On a hot, hot day, and I in pyjamas for the heat,
To drink there.

In the deep, strange-scented shade of the great dark carob-tree
I came down the steps with my pitcher
And must wait, must stand and wait, for there he was at the trough before
me.

He reached down from a fissure in the earth-wall in the gloom
And trailed his yellow-brown slackness soft-bellied down, over the edge of
the stone trough
And rested his throat upon the stone bottom,
And where the water had dripped from the tap, in a small clearness,
He sipped with his straight mouth,
Softly drank through his straight gums, into his slack long body,
Silently.

Someone was before me at my water-trough,
And I, like a second comer, waiting.

Read the rest.

Cool characters drawn by Antonio Ladrillo, who has a lot more great art on his site.

People say, "Yo Humpty, you're really funny looking." That's alright 'cuz I get things cooking. via You Ain't Punk.

Informative Llama diagram, via Doogie

Lego hug, via Jay Mug

via Retrogasm

Dammit, listening to the Dead Milkmen has made me nostalgic for the 90s. Remember that halcyon decade? It seems like only ten year ago. But it wasn't. It was twenty.

I can't think of any sitcom with a better opening theme than the Adventures of Pete and Pete, although the Munsters had a good one. Pete and Pete was waaaay ahead of its time, theme-song-wise and otherwise.

I want to see a TV show called the Walking Dead Milkmen.

More Philadelphia comedian sketches that look vaguely similar to their intended subject. Today, Philadelphia native Tom Wilson, who is bigger than you are.