self-portrait with park bench

self-portrait with Water Lilies

self-portrait with water balloon

I bought a nice new Brooks Brothers wool cardigan vest. Very excited. Too bad it's summer so I won't be able to wear it for another 3 months.

Steve Ditko Poetry #2

I am the Living Ghost.

I wander dark hallways at night
Moaning
People cringe beneath their covers 

Until they hear me
Then they rush out and say
"Haunt my home no more, spectre! I'm going to call the cops!"
I rattle my chains
And they say
"Seriously, put down
my good chains.
How did you get in here?"
The bathroom window was unlocked.
"You're trespassing."
I am a messenger of the darkne—
"You're trespassing and I will call the cops in exactly five seconds."
I am the Living Ghost.
"You can't be a ghost unless you're dead. Which you will be, in exactly 
five seconds
unless you get the heck out
and take off my wife’s nice bedsheet too
you lunatic."
I am the Living Ghost

my soul can find no rest.

Buster Keaton with pocketdog, via Buzzfeed

Steve Ditko Poetry

I've decided to write poems based on Steve Ditko comic book covers. Here's one cover and its corresponding poem.

When Darkness Falls!!

It falls so hard
You need two exclamation points
to convey
the force of its impact.
I remember when I visited
Niagara Falls.
I thought it would be funny
to trip my friend
And say,
"Enjoy the falls!" I tripped him
[his name was Todd]
and he fell
over
the
railing.
I told the police that he jumped.
This is my confession.

Rainy Night

I am sister to the rain;
Fey and sudden and unholy,
Petulant at the windowpane,
Quickly lost, remembered slowly.

Rainy Night, by Dorothy Parker

First printed in New Yorker, (26 September 1926) p. 10

via Wikiquote

Professor Gargoyle

Tales from Lovecraft Middle School Vol. 1, Professor Gargoyle. Designed by Doogie Horner, photo by Jonathan Pushnik, cover model Frank Baker. These books rule.

the Slither Sisters

Here's the cover of the Slither Sisters that I designed. The cover is lenticular, so the image will change as you walk past. Photo by Jonathan Pushnik, designed by Doogie Horner, the model is Evangeline Young, and the snake's name is Damien.

Grouch Marx and George Carlin, via Awesome People Hanging Out Together.

The Last Policeman

I designed the cover of Ben Winter's upcoming novel, the Last Policeman, and Ben's wife made a cake version of the cover for his birthday. This is the first time one of my covers has been cake-ified. Clearly, this is a personal milestone.

Jack, via Deadfix

Billionaire skit

A BILLIONAIRE in a tuxedo is waiting in line at a Dunkin Donuts.

He reaches the front of the line and points to the sign that advertises the latest donut special.

BILLIONAIRE

How much does that cost?

COUNTER GUY

That’s not for sale.

The billionaire leans forward on the counter and speaks confidentially.

BILLIONAIRE

Everything’s for sale.

(lays a wad of cash on the counter)

It’s just a question of price.

The counter guy walks into the back and talks to his manager.

COUNTER GUY

That dude wants to buy our powdered jelly deluxe nibbler deal counter display.

MANAGER

It’s not for sale.

In the background we can see the billionaire at the counter talking to an old guy next to him, who has a walker. We can’t hear what they’re saying, but the billionaire hands him a wad of cash, and the old guy pulls out his false teeth and hands them to him, which he puts in his pocket.

COUNTER GUY

He said everything’s for sale.

MANAGER

No it’s not.

The manager and counter guy walk back up to the counter.

MANAGER

Hello sir, welcome to Dunkin Donuts how may I help you?

BILLIONAIRE

(points to display)

I want to buy that.

(their dialogue here is a rapid back and forth, cutting each other off)

MANAGER

It’s not for sale—

BILLIONAIRE

Everything is for—

MANAGER

Not the deluxe nibbler deal counter display—

BILLIONAIRE

It’s just a question of price—

MANAGER

Five fifty five for five deluxe nibblers plus a large coolata—

BILLIONAIRE

The price of the sign, not the nibblers—

MANAGER

IT’S NOT FOR SALE!

The Billionaire turns to the counter guy.

BILLIONAIRE

I will pay you one million dollars to sleep with me.

COUNTER GUY

Absolutely.

BILLIONAIRE

Bring the sign with you.

COUNTER GUY

Okay. (Grabs sign and walks away with the billionaire.)

The Manager stands at the counter with the old guy as they both walk out. We hear the soft jingle of the door and a car starting up, blaring Pretty Woman.

MANAGER

(to old man)

How can I help you?

OLD MAN

(without teeth)

What’s your softest donut?

Twitter suggests I unfollow David Cope. Guess what, Twitter? I DON'T LIKE BEING TOLD WHAT TO DO!

Raymond Chandler's Sci Fi Parody

Excerpt from a letter to his agent:

Did you ever read what they call Science Fiction? It's a scream. It is written like this: "I checked out with K19 on Aldabaran III, and stepped out through the crummalite hatch on my 22 Model Sirus Hardtop. I cocked the timejector in secondary and waded through the bright blue manda grass. My breath froze into pink pretzels. I flicked on the heat bars and the Brylls ran swiftly on five legs using their other two to send out crylon vibrations. The pressure was almost unbearable, but I caught the range on my wrist computer through the transparent cysicites. I pressed the trigger. The thin violet glow was icecold against the rust-colored mountains. The Brylls shrank to half an inch long and I worked fast stepping on them with the poltex. But it wasn't enough. The sudden brightness swung me around and the Fourth Moon had already risen. I had exactly four seconds to hot up the disintegrator and Google had told me it wasn't enough. He was right."

via Letters of Note

The Adventures of Pete and Pete

Stuff from the Adventures of Pete and Pete drawn by Maris Wicks.

the Rainbow Connection

I thought this song would be a good counterpoint to Tim Wilson's Booty Man. This is a great song, but more than that, this was the very first scene of the Muppet Movie, which I think is a pretty ballsy way to start a movie.

Booty Man, by Tim Wilson. Stick with it. The best part is his devotion to the concept. It's 3 minutes, but you feel like he actually kept singing for 20 minutes and they just cut the mic on him.

"Dead men are heavier than broken hearts."
–Raymond Chandler, the Big Sleep
via

Apple Garamond

I never realized that the font Apple used for almost twenty years, starting in 1984, was a custom-condensed version of Garamond, halfway between Garamond and Garamond Condensed.

From Wikipedia:

Upon the introduction of the Macintosh in 1984, Apple adopted a new corporate font called Apple Garamond. It was a variation of the classic Garamond typeface, both narrower and having a taller x-height. Specifically, ITCGaramond (created by Tony Stan in 1977) was condensed to 80% of its normal width. Presumably, Apple felt that the existing ITC Garamond Condensed, at 64%, was too narrow. Bitstream condensed the font and subtly adjusted the stroke widths and performed the hinting required to create a font that was then delivered to Apple as Postscript font apgaram.

Photo of H.R. Giger's surreal landscape on the set of Alien. Anyone excited about Prometheus? I am. I hope it doesn't suck.

Lucian Freud, Dark Coat II

Why Incompetents Think They're Awesome
Examining the Dunning-Kruger study, ten years later.