Pope Vader

Painted by Dmitry Dyachkov

Coffee Shop

EXT. STREET

A FOPPISH MAN dressed in Victorian garb (top hat, mustache, old-timey suit) walks down the street. He passes a young URCHIN.

URCHIN

Spare a shilling, sir?

FOP

You’ll just spend it on apples.

URCHIN

My leg hurts.

The Fop walks into a coffee shop.

INT. OLD-TIMEY COFFEE SHOP

It's incredibly loud inside the coffee shop: lots of clattering, clicking, and an occasional bell ding.

The Fop walks up to the counter. An old-timey BARISTA is behind the counter. The Fop and Barista talk to each other, but their dialogue is drowned out by the noise.

The Fop buys a coffee. As he turns to sit down, our point of view shifts so we can see what the noise is: everyone sitting in the coffee shop is working on a typewriter. They’re all wearing Victorian garb.

The Fop sits down next to a GUY with a typewriter.

FOP

What are you working on?

GUY

Freelance.

FOP

Ah.

Where there's Hope, there's Crosby.

Curtains

drawn by Pandyland

GPOY, drawn by Mario Zucca

You are on fire!

It's interesting how such a minor shift in language can radically alter our perception of events. The New York Times "reports" on Occupy Wall Street, via thisisn'thappiness. Ugh, you know what, I hate myself for putting the word reports in air quotes. Is that the best I can do? Is that all the righteous indignation I can muster? Yep. Pretty much. Nap time.

You know Fall has finally arrived when you see Chloe Sevigny shooting pumpkins.

Dr. Dog

INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A PATIENT sits on the examination table, waiting for the doctor. The DOCTOR walks in. He looks like a normal doctor--lab coat, clipboard--but he has dog ears, a tail, and a dog nose.

DR. DOG

(looks at chart)

Okay, what seems to be the problem?

PATIENT

I have a sharp pain in my lower abdomen. And I’ve been feeling dizzy.

DR. DOG

Hmm. Alright. Who’s a good boy?

PATIENT

What?

DR. DOG

(baby voice)

Whoooo’s a good boy? Who is it? C’mon!

PATIENT

You are?

DR. DOG

(suddenly serious)

Good.

(makes note on chart)

How’s your strength?

PATIENT

Fine.

Dr. Dog holds out a ball.

DR. DOG

Can you squeeze this?

The patient squeezes the ball, and it makes a squeaking sound.

DR. DOG (cont)

Now throw it.

The patient throws the ball across the room. Dr. Dog walks over, picks it up, and puts it in his pocket. He makes a note on the chart.

DR. DOG

Good. Okay, can you walk?

PATIENT

Yes.

DR. DOG

(holds out leash)

Can you hold this?

The patient takes the leash.

Cut to:

ext. sidewalk

The patient is walking Dr. Dog, who is very happy.

PATIENT

My abdomen still hurts.

Chart regarding this news story. Click to embiggen.

Patton Oswalt is a man of many faces

Mike Holmes has some awesome Patton Oswalt posters for sale.