– – –
“Greetings, my friend. We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives. And remember my friend, future events such as these will affect you in the future. You are interested in the unknown . . . the mysterious. The unexplainable. That is why you are here.”
—The Great Criswell
This quote is an excerpt from the monologue at the beginning of Ed Wood’s seminal film Plan 9 From Outer Space; the Great Criswell, a prophet sent to warn humanity about its apocalyptic future, stares into the camera and speaks directly to the audience. I’d like to direct your attention to the second sentence: “We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives.” This sentence is true, and it also looks nice when engraved in a chiseled serif font on a radium plaque, which makes it the best kind of truth—the kind that can easily be viewed on the dark side of the moon, where the remnants of the human race will mount their rebellion against the machines in the year 2025.
You are interested in the unknown, that is why you are here. (See Figure 1: What You Want to Know About the Future). Unfortunately, we won’t have time machines for another twenty years (some scientists say twenty-three), and by then the future will already be here. However, I have something even better than a time machine: educated guesses. And when I say “educated,” what I mean is “four years of art school,” and when I say “guesses” what I mean is “absolute certainties.”
Before you accuse me of sorcery, let me assure you that none of the predictions on the Future chart were attained through the use of occult methods(1). They are predictions, not prophecies, and as such most of them were realized through relatively pedestrian methods (See Figure 2: How Were These Predictions Made?) It doesn’t take a Nostradamus to figure out that lasers will replace flyswatters, cheese graters, and reasoned debate, or that herds of teacup pigs will replace dogs as household pets.
I can tell by the pink hue of your mood ring that you’re still skeptical about the validity of these predictions. Well it doesn’t matter, because by the time any of these predictions could possibly be disproved, this book will be long out of print and my writing legacy overshadowed by my career as a holovision product endorsement spokesperson for my line of home-cooking conveniences (See Figure 3: Inventions in the Horner Line of Home Cooking Convenience Products).
However, if my predictions do turn out to be true (they will), and twenty years from now you discover yourself searching for some small way to thank me, here is what you can do: Visit the Ed Wood Memorial on the dark side of the moon and—when Orion’s belt aligns with Mars—whisper my name into the windless, eternal night. Then please break me out of whatever robot-controlled radon mine I’m toiling in, assuming the machines haven’t already wiped my mind or turned me into a living battery. In which case just kill me.
– – –
FOOTNOTES AND FIGURES
(1) Although I didn’t use sorcery to make my predictions about the future, I probably could’ve, because my girlfriend is a witch, and I bet she’d help me see into the future if I asked her to—but that would open up a whole can of worms, because then she’d ask me to design a logo for her coven, or chart positive witch role models in popular culture, or something like that. Sometimes I think she’s not really a witch, she just likes to wear black. But after I think that I get really bad acne for a week, or I’ll flick on the lights in the bathroom first thing in the morning to find a spider sitting on my toothbrush, just staring at me. So she’s probably a witch.
Figure 1: What You Want to Know About the Future
1. Will Papa’s Mustache place in the third race?
2. When can I replace my girlfriend with a Robo-Gal?*
3. Is this as good as it gets?
4. Should I buy an alpaca farm?
5. When will the Rastafari overthrow Babylon and reach Zion?
6. Is this an awkward phase that I’ll eventually grow out of?
*Don’t bother. With the constant malfunctions, they’re just as much trouble as the old-fashioned kind
FIGURE 2: HOW WERE THESE PREDICTIONS MADE?
A. Common Sense
B. Uncommon Sense
C. Read about it in a Philip K. Dick novel
D. Calculus
E. Hairdresser told me
F. Magic 8-Ball
G. Using the Farmer’s Almanac
H. With a graphing calculator
I. Found beneath a loose flagstone in an ivy-covered corner of the garden.
J. Sunspot activity
K. Gut feeling
L. Not using sorcery, I can tell you that
M. Tip from a guy whose cousin is a bookie
N. 12 hours of meditation in a Hopi sweat lodge
FIGURE 3: INVENTIONS IN THE HORNER LINE OF HOME cooking convenience PRODUCTS
• The Horner Tub-Style Mechanical Chicken Plucker
• The Horner EZPZ Swine Sizzler
• In the Shell Egg Yolk Teleporter
• The Horner Lazer Flavr HD Tongue Dazzler
• The Horner-ator Flavor Replicator
• Sea of Tranquility Salt 12-Part Application System
• The Horner Hand-Held Peppercorn Incinerator
• The Horner Digital Wireless Mini Computer Spoon
• Smokeless Sandwich Crust Disintegrator
• The Dial-A-Genetically-Modified-Crime-Against-God-Frankenfood
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