the AV Club Interviews

The A.V. Club has a good Patton Oswalt interview up right now. I'm psyched to see his new hour. However, the interview I thought was even more interesting was the one they did with Larry the Cable Guy. Because I've already read a lot about Oswalt but, for obvious reasons, don't know much about Larry. He's quite a dadgum character that feller!

via Time to Watch you Burn

via Heroin Killed the Rockstar

Million Dollar Movie Ideas, the Sequel

Welcome once again to KGB Yardsale’s most popular recurring feature (which is saying something), Million Dollar Movie Ideas. Today’s ideas are worth three million dollars though because they are so easy. They are sequels. Sequels are so easy, a child could make one, if he wasn’t so short (can’t reach the camera!). In the time it took me to write this sentence, I could’ve made a sequel. Now two. Now two and a half (if it is an ambitious sequel with lots of castles and werewolf costumes, which take time for the actors to get into). Now six (if the last three are done quickly, sans skinwalkers).

Check out this sentence.

Pretty good, huh? Now check out the sequel to that sentence, below.

Check it out 2: Mean on the Streets.

Whoah! I know you read that sentence. Why? Because you remembered how much fun the first sentence was, and you wanted to see the characters you grew to know and love again: Check, their impetuous leader; his sidekick the mysterious Out; and Period, the stunted man child with a lisp.

Here is a list of sequels that haven’t been made yet, but should be. If you want to make one of these, just call whoever made the first one, get their permission, then mail me a check. DON’T FORGET TO MAIL MY CHECK.

Totally Bankable Sequels You Should Make:

Star Wars 2: the Wrath of Khan

What’s Eating Gilbert Grape 2: Beneath the Planet of the Grapes

the Shawshank Redemption 2: Zihuatanejo Nights

Death of a Salesman 2: The Salesman Strikes Back

Back to School 2: Graduate School

Weird Science 2: Godless Abominations

The Gods Must Be Crazy 6: Armageddon

Armageddon 2: The Gods Must be Crazy

Mrs. Doubtfire 2: How Tobias Got his Fünke Back

Producer: I'm sorry, change of plans, it turns out we can't afford to have a guy in a white dinner jacket hold the microphone for you.

Me: Okay. . . Well, can I have a mini trampoline and a flaming hoop?

Producer (to stage hand): Wheel in the mini tramp and fire ring!

Via this.

via Letters of Note

via Julia Segal

Two computers talk to each other

It's artificial intelligence at its most charming as two chatbots talk to each other. Watch the video, it's really funny. Spoiler alert: the Indian lady chatbot is very contrary. I like how the British chatbot keeps trying to find common ground with her and she's just like, "Uh uh. Nope. You are wrong." Finally there's a long pause and he says, "So. You're a robot." Spoiler, spoiler: You're both robots. This is like the chatbot version of Blade Runner.

Arcade Expressionism

Donkey Kong, via Brock Davis. He also did renditions of Dig Dug and Missile Command.

via Julia Segal

the Pale King

"Corporations are getting better and better at seducing us into thinking the way they think—of profits as the telos and responsibility as something to be enshrined in symbol and evaded in reality. Cleverness as opposed to wisdom. Wanting and having instead of thinking and making. We cannot stop it. I suspect what’ll happen is that there will be some sort of disaster—depression, hyperinflation—and then it’ll be showtime: We’ll either wake up and retake our freedom or we’ll fall apart utterly. Like Rome—conqueror of its own people."

—David Foster Wallace, excerpt from the Pale King

via thisisn'thappiness

Common Hurricane Questions

Hurricane Irene's shocking tameness has carved a swath of disappointment across the coast, leaving a lot of people to wrestle with difficult questions.

Q: What is this shit?

A: You said it.

Q: You call that a hurricane?

A: I don't, but apparently the liberal media does.

Q: What am I supposed to do with all this bottled water I bought? My basement didn't flood or nothin'!

A: Flood your basement with the bottled water.

Q: Yeah, I guess I could do that. But what about all these canned goods I bought?

A: Throw them at the front of your house to simulate hurricane damage. Or alternately, eat them, then throw yourself at the front of your house to simulate hurricane damage.

Q: Okay, I guess. . . . The hurricane didn't even knock down the bitch ass tree in front of my house!

A: Drink a bunch of Hurricane malt liquor. When you drive home, run over the tree with your car.

Q: How are you so wise?

A: Google + Wikipedia.

via This Isn't Happiness.

Yes, this is real.

Humphrey Bogart playing the charming drunk, via Julia Segal. In my head I hear Samuel L. Jackson screaming, "Drunkard ain't no country I ever heard of!"

Gummy Bearskin Rug

via Brock Davis

Opening Monologue at Geekadelphia Awards

I was honored to give the opening monologue at the 2011 Geekadelphia Awards here in Philly. Video shot by PhillyChat.

via Annie Leibovitz, I think.

Sharks get cancer and Napoleon wasn't short

List of Common Misconceptions, via Wikipedia. Not sure how many of these are true. Is it a misconception that Wikipedia isn't 100% trustworthy? Regardless, it's still an interesting read.

Disneyworld: It's a Small World

Jen and I are back from Disneyworld. It was pretty awesome. Here are some blurry iphone photos of the ride It's a Small World. Do you know this ride? It's insane. You ride on a tiny boat through model replicas of all the different countries in the world, and each of the countries is populated by hundreds of little robot dolls singing "It's a small world," over and over and over until you are ready to confess to crimes you never committed.

I would say It's a Small World is the Apocalypse Now of Disney park rides—since you literally travel up river into the mouth of madness and come out the other side muttering "the horror, the horror,"—but that distinction probably goes to Captain EO, since it was actually directed by Francis Ford Coppola. Although I guess Captain EO could be the Cotton Club of Disney park rides. But good.

IASW was built in 1971, presumably by hundreds of Okie outsider artists who were given unlimited glitter and corn liquor. Although the ride was "refurbished" in 2005, it doesn't seem like that involved replacing or updating any of the 1971 technology. The whole thing is still made from plywood and glitter, but it's SO MUCH plywood and glitter, and the art and design are legitimately awesome. It's a Small World was way better than a lot of the modern rides, some of which made us throw up. This ride only gave us seizures, and they were minor.

Vacation

Congratulations, you get a vacation from me! But the reprieve is brief. Jen and I are leaving for Disneyworld this Saturday. No blogging until we're back on Thursday. Although maybe I'll blog from Disneyworld. Is that allowed? Is it lame to blog while on vacation? It's not like blogging is hard work. "Hey, we said no working while we're on vacation. Stop posting photos of curious manatees right this instant!"

Going to the Geekadelphia Awards tonight, very excited to talk about viral videos. Saw Martha Graham Cracker last night. Gonna see Goofy tomorrow, and maybe even Figment. What a week! ONLY IN AMERICA! USAUSAUSAUSAUSAUSAUSSSSSSAAAAAAOOOOFFAAA. Sorry, my cat ran across the keys.

via Carlovely

via This Isn't Happiness

WWF Finishing Moves

via Everything Explained Through Flowcharts. Click to embiggen.

William S. Burroughs and Kurt Cobain. Fourteen-year-old me is freaking out right now. Thirty-year-old me is going, "eh, good enough for my blog." Either way it's a neat photo.

Rise of the Planet of the Geeks

via this guy

via the Flying Scotsman

Alien Sex Chart

Alien Sex chart, via Everything Explained Through Flowcharts. Click image to embiggen.

Louie. This Louie, not this Louie.

The Nietzsche Family Circus

The Nietzsche Family Circus pairs a randomized Family Circus Cartoon with a randomized quote by everyone's favorite 19th-century German philosopher.

Weird Videogame

These images are from an Asian video game where the player is put in the role of an angry father who flips out on his family while they're eating dinner. I think? It certainly seems that way. The video game controls are an actual table that you have to slam and then flip. I assume you get extra points for how far the food flies and how much your family cries. It's hard to tell though. Check out the video and let me know if you can shed any light on this mystery.

Robert Evans

Robert Evans, legendary producer and author of The Kid Stays in the Picture. Jen and I took a road trip though Alaska and returned with lots of photos of me sitting on a tiny camp chair, oblivious to the majestic scenery around us, my nose buried in this book. I REFUSE TO ENJOY REALITY.

Bill Clinton Suckling Puppies

GQ has an incredibly in-depth article about the ill-fated Dana Carvey Show. In case you don't know what that's a picture of up there, it's a screen grab from the first sketch of the show, which ends with Bill Clinton pulling open his shirt and breast feeding a litter of puppies. Awesome.

the GOP Contenders Face Off

I drew this chart for Fast Company back in May. Facial coding experts analyze what ideas and emotions each candidate's expressions unintentionally convey to voters. You can see a more in-depth breakdown for each candidate at Fast Company, here. Click image to embiggen.

Snikt!

I was on vacation, but now I'm back. If a Doogie goes on vacation in the woods and nobody reads his blog, does his vacation make a sound? Yes. The sound is, "Ah crap, I'm getting bit by mosquitos!"

Let me say this: I hate comic books where superheroes will kill henchmen but not supervillains. I'm reading Mark Millar's Ultimate X-Men, and in one scene Storm stops Wolverine from intentionally killing a Big Bad Guy, even thoughWolverine unintentionally killed a Little Bad Guy only moments before (the kind of Little Bad Guy who appears for so few panels, it's obvious he's just there to get killed). If you're the type of hero who fights crime in such a reckless fashion that your battles cause collateral damage, then you might as well just kill everyone. The X-Men—in Millar's story anyhow—are only allowed to kill people accidentally. It's obvious that the reason they don't kill supervillains is because then the story would be over and writers would have to create new supervillains.

If you have knives on your hands, or lasers for eyes, and you're fighting people, THEY ARE GOING TO DIE.

You can't see it in this photo, but Lyndon Johnson is playing bass.

John Kensil is dead

Long live John Kensil.

Great Showdowns

Scott C. is chronicling some of the greatest confrontations in the history of cinema. This is just a small selection of some of the Great Showdowns that Scott C. has been drawing. You can check out more on his site.

Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec, Pastel Portrait of Vincent Van Gogh, 1887. This isn't funny, but it's pretty, so I'm posting it. In my defense, Toulouse-Lautrec is funny looking.

Andrew Dice Clay on WTF

Marc Maron recently talked to Andrew Dice Clay on WTF, and it's a great interview. I like some of the Dice man's jokes, others not so much. His album the Day the Laughter Died is a brilliant concept: it was recorded in a small club, the show wasn't advertised, and it was booked in the middle of the week during the holidays. Dice was trying to attract a small, crappy audience he knew would hate him, and then he hate fucked them with jokes for ninety minutes. It's a masterpiece, especially the second to last track.

In the Marc Maron interview, check out Dice's "shredder bit," 29 minutes in. It's great to hear him doing observational comedy about shopping at Staples, but delivering the joke like he's talking about bangin some broad. "They got this fuckin sale on shredders, and I'm like, 'Get out of my face with that shit.'" He's not doing a character, he's just talking like himself. I'd like to hear more of that.