Philebrity: General Fabulousness

Due to a clerical error, I've been nominated in the category of General Fabulousness for the Philebrity Awards! Please vote with your heart, assuming your heart tells you to vote for me. Yes, I will accept pity votes. Did you know I only have one week to live? But whatever, vote with your heart. Did you know I donate lots of money to helping trees go to college? Also I knit sweaters for cold baby penguins. But whatever, listen to your conscience.

Sorry, this weird photo has derailed my self-proclaimed "illustration week." Via Reddit

I guess I've decided it's illustration week, because here's a Gonzo illustration from Graham Annable, aka Grickle, for an upcoming show about the Muppets at Gallery Nucleus.

Jason

Above: a page from Jason's comic I Killed Adolf Hiter. Jason is an incredible writer and cartoonist from Norway who has written The Last Musketeer, the Left Bank Gang, the Living and the Dead, and other beautifully restrained books. If you want to learn more about him, here's a Q&A at the Casual Optimist.

Grickle

Black Friday New Yorker cover by Daniel Clowes. This cover is not an exaggeration. Even book stores are selling less books! Why, I don't know. I feel like an old crank. "Wah, make things like they were! I don't like my horseless carriage." But it's true, it's true. I love books, and I know lots of other people do too, so I don't understand why they're disappearing.

"Hey Doogie, what's a good bookstore that ONLY SELLS BOOKS?" I'm glad you asked, blog reader, although you DIDN'T HAVE TO SHOUT. The store you are looking for is Brickbat Books, right here in sleepy Philadelphia!

Forty Fords

The National Post has an interactive version of Forty Fords that tells you what film each Ford is from. Illustrated by Steve Murray. Enjoy!

the One Second Film Festival

How much movie can you pack into one second of film? Check out the festival's promo video over at Boing Boing, it's pretty amazing.

via Robot in Disguise

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving was a lot of fun. I plucked that sentence from the beginning of an elementary school essay about How I Spent My Vacation (it only took me three tries to spell "elementary" correctly, which proves how far I've come since then). Thanksgiving was a lot of fun and we ate turkey which was good and the cranberries and pie and Uncle Spooky let me drive the truck Mom was angry.

Downstairs, quiet but insistent, my dog reminds me that it's time for his walk. So I'll make this post quick.

Thanksgiving was fun because I saw my family, and they watched Jen and I play Stratego with slowly mounting intensity. We watched 48 Hours, marveled at how young Eddie Murphy looked, and marveled at how tender the turkey was.

The next day we went to Hawk Mountain. We didn't see any hawks, but the view from each of the lookouts was still beautiful. My Dad had difficulty hiking up the rockier parts of the trail, but kept insisting he was fine, although a couple times I thought he was going to fall and break his leg. He didn't, so that was alright, and it proved (if it needed to be re-proven) that Dad is always right—except for that time when he said we didn't need a tent because I could just sleep in the trunk, which didn't work, and was a little dangerous. However I didn't suffocate in that trunk and he didn't die on that mountain—together we have cheated death in the most boring ways possible.

Notebook page

Just got my 2012 Moleskine Daily Planner, which includes 1 page marked diary. HERE'S WHAT I THINK OF THAT, MOLESKINE!

John Lennon, cultural satirist, via scriptures

New book cover! Designed and illustrated by me, written by Jason Heller. Taft 2012 answers the oft-asked question, "What if William Howard Taft traveled to the present day and ran for office?" It's like Demolition Man, but with Taft.

Gene Wilder

Wilder was initially hesitant to accept the role of Willy Wonka, but finally accepted the role under one condition:

"When I make my first entrance, I’d like to come out of the door carrying a cane and then walk toward the crowd with a limp. After the crowd sees Willy Wonka is a cripple, they all whisper to themselves and then become deathly quiet. As I walk toward them, my cane sinks into one of the cobblestones I’m walking on and it stands straight up, by itself… but I keep on walking, until I realize that I no longer have my cane. I start to fall forward, and just before I hit the ground, I do a beautiful forward somersault and bounce back up, to great applause."

When Stuart asked why, Wilder replied, “because from that time on, no one will know if I’m lying or telling the truth.”

Tim Burton has optioned Miss Peregrine, a book I designed. Yay!

A pretty accurate representation of the art school experience, via the Brooklyn Museum and This Isn't Happiness

Wow, I never realized how much solid geometry went into building the Apple logo. I love this. Designed by Rob Janoff, who has a stunningly ugly website considering how beautiful his logo work is.

Awesome Batman cover by Ulises Farinas

Seth Godin + Amazon

I’m not sure what this is, but here it is:

the Domino Project

I don’t like Amazon’s disingenuous propaganda. “Look how innovative we are! We’re altruistic geniuses who don’t care about making money! We just want to change the world using our brilliant minds and photos of our authors smiling into the camera with crazy eyes! This totally isn’t a new business model, it’s a new way of thinking!”

I like a lot of the ideas Seth brings up on the Domino site, but if he honestly thinks Amazon is a benevolent steward of innovation, rather than the new boss who simply wants to replace the old boss, he’s deluding himself. Amazon benefits far more from this association than Seth does.

Chloe Sevigny as Terry Richardson, via Terry'sdiary

via sheboner

Paying my publisher for copies of my book

via Haw-lin

Johnny's in the basement, mixin up the medicine. via drainingheartsoflove

via Veggieblob

the AV Club: Rules for Genre Fiction

Tasha Robinson wrote a great article over at the AV Club about why fictions freest genres—fantasy, sci-fi, and horror—need its strictest rules. Fantasy worlds require a lot of initial setup so the audience can understand its unique reality. That exposition can be arduous, but if the logic of a world keeps shifting it's hard for the audience to feel any emotional stake, and it becomes a constant reminder of the world's fabrication.

I know this is the second time in two days I've reblogged an AV Club article. I would apologize, but it's not my fault! It's their fault, for being such excellent writers. Who's the real victim here? That's right: the children.

"In today's hustle and bustle of life, when lives change for whatever reason, sometimes as pet owners we contemplate a change... for us, and for our pet ferrets. There is one change which should be weighed very heavily in the hearts of ferret owners, however, that of turning an older ferret over to a shelter...

Yes, in the worldly ferret community we think 'the shelter can provide better for my ferret now,' 'I don't have the time,' etc. Or perhaps the shelter knows what to watch for in an older ferret, etc. However, there is an undeniable action: abandonment. And your ferret will sense this, whatever the reason, whether you think it is for the better or naught."

Excerpt of larger article by A.K. Drakiotes, via Ferrets Anonymous

The End of Free Speech on the Internet

"Google knows it. Viacom knows it. The Chamber of Commerce knows it. Internet democracy groups know it. BoingBoing knows it. But, the Internet hasn’t been told yet — we’re going to get blown away by the end of the year. The worst bill in Internet history is about to become law."

--Stop SOPA, Save the Internet. Read the rest at Boing Boing

Hunter S. Thompson Article Titles

Hunter S. Thompson is a great writer. How great? Just the titles of his articles are better than most novels. Seriously, try to to write a novel that lives up to any one of these titles:

I Slit My Own Eyeballs

The New Dumb

The Scum of the Earth

Fat Men on Horseback

Wooing the Degenerate Vote

The Weak and the Weird

Orgy of the Dead

The Garden of Agony

Meat Sickness

Where were you when the Fun Stopped?

Bad Nerves in Fat City

Frank Miller makes fun of Occupy Wall Street, and the AV Club makes fun of Frank Miller, here. [Written by the consistently hilarious and insightful Sean O'Neal.] Just when you think Frank Miller can't get any dumber, he plumbs new depths. He's a trailblazer in so many ways! I especially like the part of Miller's rant where he accuses OWS protestors of playing "Lords of Warcraft," a game he just invented. Nothing bolsters the validity of opinions like ignoring basic facts. It's like saying, "Frank Miller's new work, such as Revenge of the Dark Knight, isn't as good as the stuff he did on Daringdevil."

Approved soviet soldier haircut styles.

Fat Doogie at the Ministry of Secret Jokes

the Prisoner

A frightened male PRISONER in an orange jumpsuit sits in a cinder block interrogation room. In front of him is a table with an intercom on it.

A sleazy LAWYER walks in wearing a shiny suit and sits across from him at the table.

Lawyer

(extends hand)

Larry Davenport, attorney at law.

Prisoner

Steve Gerben, criminal. Thanks for coming on such short notice.

Lawyer

I came as soon as I got your email, although it didn’t make much sense. Would you mind explaining it again?

Prisoner

I’m not supposed to be here.

Lawyer

I see, so you didn’t commit the crime you’ve been accused of?

Prisoner

Oh no, I carjacked that ice cream truck all right. But I shouldn’t be in here.

Lawyer

Look, you have to pay for ice cream; it’s not free. That’s illegal. Do you think you should’ve gotten a lighter sentence?

Prisoner

No, I think three life sentences is fair. But I’m not supposed to be here!

Lawyer

What do you mean?

Prisoner

This is a womens’ prison!

Lawyer

It is?

Prisoner

Yes.

Lawyer

And you’re not a woman.

Prisoner

No.

Lawyer

Do they know you’re not a woman?

Prisoner

Yes.

Lawyer

Well why don’t they just move you?

Prisoner

(shrugs)

The lawyer presses a button on the intercom.

Lawyer

Hi, could I please speak with the warden?

The WARDEN walks in, wearing mirrored sunglasses and eating an ice cream cone.

Prisoner

(re. ice cream cone) Can I have a lick of that?

Warden

No, you’re in jail.

(to the attorney) What’s up?

Lawyer

(re. Prisoner) This guy is a man.

Warden

Sort of.

Lawyer

No, I mean, he’s not a lady.

Warden

You can say that again.

Lawyer

But this is a ladies prison.

Warden

Trust me buddy, they ain’t ladies!

Lady (off screen)

(with a heavy Brooklyn accent) I heard that!

Lawyer

Right, but my point is, he’s a man, why don’t you put him in the male prison?

Warden

It’s full.

Lawyer

Oh, okay. Sorry to have bothered you.

Warden

(walks out) No problem.

Prisoner

Wait a minute!

Lady (off screen)

Can I have a lick of that?

Warden (off screen)

Sure, but don’t touch the ice cream.

Prisoner

That doesn’t make any sense!

Lawyer

It makes perfect sense. There’s no room in the male prison. How can they put you in it?

Prisoner

I could hang out on the roof.

Lawyer

(scoffs)

Prisoner

If you had eight inmates each hang their arms out the windows, through the bars, that would free up enough room for one more person.

Lawyer

Oh c’mon Steve, everybody knows prisons don’t have windows!

Prisoner

If twenty-six inmates could each lose five pounds that would create enough—

Lawyer

(laughs) you’ve been watching too much Law and Order. That shit only works in the movies. I’m sorry, it’s not possible. You’re just going to have to stay here. Anyways, it doesn’t seem like such a bad deal to me.

Lady (off screen)

Warden, would you like a cherry on top?

Warden (off screen)

Haven’t you heard? Cherry got out on parole.

Prisoner

(sighs) Alright, look. I have a confession to make. I’m not a man. I’m actually a woman.

Lawyer

(gasps)

Prisoner

I’m the ugliest woman in the world. That’s actually what I’m in jail for. I’m so ugly, I was in an ice cream shop, and my hideous visage made the ice cream melt.

Lawyer

That doesn’t sound illegal—

Prisoner

—and then I sealed all the doors and set the building on fire.

Lawyer

Ha! Just like a woman.

Prisoner

I was hoping I could get transferred to a male prison and maybe . . . meet a nice guy.

The Lawyer looks at Steve and seductively loosens his tie.

Lawyer

Well, Steve.

Prisoner

Belinda.

Lawyer

(beat) Well, Belinda.

Prisoner

Yes?

Lawyer

I’m a nice guy.

Prisoner

Yes?

Lawyer

And I think they should let you out of this jail.

Prisoner

Yes?

Lawyer

Because I know the real reason you ruined all that ice cream . . . you melted it. Because you’re so hot.

They both leap across the table and start kissing each other in a passionate frenzy.

Two FEMALE PRISONERS walk into the room eating ice cream cones. They see the Lawyer and Prisoner kissing and freeze in their tracks, shocked. A moment passes, then they slowly back out of the room, licking their cones in silence.

Antiquated Slang

1. Pad the hoof: “To tramp about. Orig. hobo use.”
2. Pang-wangle: “To live or go along cheerfully in spite of minor misfortunes.”
3. Paper-belly: “A person unable to drink liquor straight, or one who grimaces after drinking.”

4. Peter Funk: “An auctioneer’s accomplice who poses as a buyer in order to stimulate bidding or to ‘buy’ items on which the final bid from a genuine customer has not been high enough. Auction use.”

5. Pie card: “A union membership card, specif., as shown to a stranger who is a union member in order to borrow money, obtain food and lodging, or the like. Hobo use c1925.”

6. Pig between two sheets: “A ham sandwich. Some lunch-counter use c1925”

7. Pine overcoat: “A coffin, esp. a cheap one.”

8. Possum Belly: “An extra storage compartment under a railroad car. Hobo lingo.”

9. Pretzel-bender: “1. A preculiar person; an eccentric; one who thinks in a round-about manner. 2. A player of the French horn. Musician use. Not common. 3. A wrestler. 4. A heavy drinker; one who frequents bars.”

10. Prushun or Prushon: “A boy tramp who begs for a mature tramp. Obscurely from “Prusssian.”

11. Puka: “1. Any small, private place, such as a pigeonhole in a desk, a safe, a purse, a small suitcase, or the like. 2. [taboo] The female genitals. Both meanings WWII USN use in Pacific. Prob. orig. Polynesian.”

via Mental Floss

Drawn by Jacob Borshard

via Evan's Blog

The Ministry of Secret Jokes: recap

The Ministry last night was great. At one point Brendan Kennedy was doing standup, and he mentioned that he had worked a job on the 27th floor of an office building. This drunk girl said, "It must be really hard to get a job on the 27th floor," and Brendan said, "No, life's not like a video game. You don't have to start on the first floor and then work your way up to the 27th one level at a time."

Yo Momma Battle Winner: Charles Rosen.

Yo Momma Battle sample snap, by John McKeever: Yo Momma is so ursine. Not because she's big and hairy, but because every time we have sex she has a salmon in her mouth.

Omniana Battle Winner: Joe Mayo. This was an intense battle. Brendan Kennedy was the defending champion, and he is a monster. As Mayo said last night in his victory speech/drunken screed, Brendan is the Ken Jennings of Omniana. There was a stretch where Brendan held the title for over a year.

But last night Mayo came out of the gate strong in the first round, which put Brendan on the defensive, and he was unable to gain momentum. Usually going first is a disadvantage, but Mayo used it to seize the offensive [literally and figuratively].

Mayo's character was a little girl, and although his card didn't say so, Mayo said she was high on acid. Brendan was a clockwork bounty hunter, and Mayo said he was going to give Brendan AIDS—which, once again, wasn't written anywhere on his card—and that AIDS makes you get covered in purple spots, which may not be true. Brendan called Mayo a hockey player and asked the crowd to vote with their hearts, which might've worked against Joey Dougherty, but couldn't compete with Mayo's drunken bear dance. The battle was a stunning tour de force from Mayo. I think everyone will be excited to see these two match up again. This is a rivalry that ranks right up there with Gerben vs. Barker.

via this isn't happiness

via He Who Cannot be Named

The Big List of Biases

The psy-fi blog has a big list of biases related to investment, some of which can certainly be extrapolated to cover different spheres of experience. Below are their selections from A-F. See the whole A-Z list here.

Adverse Selection: you should only offer health insurance to those who don't need it: see Dark Pools and Adverse Selection.
Affect Heuristic: we use feelings not logic to make snap decisions, even when we don't need to: see Risk, Stone Age Economics and the Affect Heuristic.
Akerlof's Lemons: why the market for used cars doesn't work properly: see Akerlof's Lemons: Risk Asymmetric Dangers for Investors.
Ambiguity Aversion: we don't mind risk but we hate uncertainty: see Ambuiguity Aversion: Investing Under Conditions of Uncertainty.
Anchoring: our habit of focusing on one salient point and ignoring all others, such as the price at which we buy a stock: see Anchoring: the Mother of Behavioral Biases.
Authority, Appeal to: we tend to thoughtlessly obey those we regard as being in positions of authority: see CEO Pay: Because They're Worth It?.
Barnum Effect: we see insightful information in random rubbish: see Your Financial Horoscope.
Beauty Effect: we attribute qualities to people based on their appearance: see Trust is in the Eye of the Beholder.
Benford's Law: in finance numbers starting with 1 are more frequent than those starting 2 and so on: see Forensic Finance, Benford's Way.
Bystander Effect: people waiting for others to take the lead when someone else in is trouble: see A Lollapallooza Effect: Capitalism & The Death of Wang Yue.
Choice Overload: too much choice makes us indecisive: see Jam Today, Tyranny Tomorrow?
Clever Hans Effect: we give off unconscious cues that are unconsciously picked up on: see Market Confidence, Tricks and Placebos.
Cognitive Dissonance: the effect of simultaneously trying to believe two incompatible things at the same time; see Fairy Tales for Investors.
Commitment Bias: once we'e publicly committed ourselves to a position we find it difficult to retreat: see Robert Cialdini and the Weapons of Influence.
Confirmation Bias: we interpret evidence to support our prior beliefs and, if all else fails, we ignore evidence that contradicts it: seeConfirmation Bias, the Investor's Curse.
Conjunction Fallacy: the conjunction of two events is always less likely than a single event: see Behavioral Finance's Smoking Gun.
Conversational Bias: we tend to present ourselves in the best possible light, which has knock-on consequences for the relaying of positive and negative information: see Herd of Investors.
Data Mining Errors: if you mine the data hard enough you can prove anything: see Twits, Butter and the Superbowl Effect.
Data Snooping Bias: see Data Mining ErrorsExploiting the Anomalies.
Denomination Bias: we're more likely to spend small denomination notes than large ones: see Fooled by Fluency.
Disaster Myopia: an in-built tendency to forget really nasty stuff after it's stopped happening for a while: see Black Swans,Tsunamis and Cardiac Arrests.
Disposition Effect: we prefer to sell shares whose value has increased and keep those whose value's dropped: see Disposed to Lose Money.
Dread Risk: an irrational fear of extreme events: see Dread Risk: Investing Outside the Goldfish Bowl.
Dunning-Kruger Effect: some people never learn by experience: see Don't Lose Money in the Stupid Corner.
Economic Reflexivity: the way that the economy changes people's behavior, which changes the economy: see Soros' Economic Reflexivity.
Familiarity Effect: being familiar with something makes you favour it: see The Language of Lucre.
Fallacy of Composition: the tendency for individuals to act in their own self interest and, in by doing so en-mass, to cause themselves to lose out: see Panic!
Fallacy of Frequency: we see regular patterns where none exist: see Deep Time and the Fallacy of Frequency.
False Memory: memory is a construction, not a direct recollection : see Financial Memory Syndrome.
Framing: the way a question or situation is framed can determine your response: see Investors, You've Been Framed.
Fundamental Attribution Error: we attribute success to our own skill and failure to everyone else's lack of it: see Profit from Self-Knowledge.