A frightened male PRISONER in an orange jumpsuit sits in a cinder block interrogation room. In front of him is a table with an intercom on it.
A sleazy LAWYER walks in wearing a shiny suit and sits across from him at the table.
Lawyer
(extends hand)
Larry Davenport, attorney at law.
Prisoner
Steve Gerben, criminal. Thanks for coming on such short notice.
Lawyer
I came as soon as I got your email, although it didn’t make much sense. Would you mind explaining it again?
Prisoner
I’m not supposed to be here.
Lawyer
I see, so you didn’t commit the crime you’ve been accused of?
Prisoner
Oh no, I carjacked that ice cream truck all right. But I shouldn’t be in here.
Lawyer
Look, you have to pay for ice cream; it’s not free. That’s illegal. Do you think you should’ve gotten a lighter sentence?
Prisoner
No, I think three life sentences is fair. But I’m not supposed to be here!
Lawyer
What do you mean?
Prisoner
This is a womens’ prison!
Lawyer
It is?
Prisoner
Yes.
Lawyer
And you’re not a woman.
Prisoner
No.
Lawyer
Do they know you’re not a woman?
Prisoner
Yes.
Lawyer
Well why don’t they just move you?
Prisoner
(shrugs)
The lawyer presses a button on the intercom.
Lawyer
Hi, could I please speak with the warden?
The WARDEN walks in, wearing mirrored sunglasses and eating an ice cream cone.
Prisoner
(re. ice cream cone) Can I have a lick of that?
Warden
No, you’re in jail.
(to the attorney) What’s up?
Lawyer
(re. Prisoner) This guy is a man.
Warden
Sort of.
Lawyer
No, I mean, he’s not a lady.
Warden
You can say that again.
Lawyer
But this is a ladies prison.
Warden
Trust me buddy, they ain’t ladies!
Lady (off screen)
(with a heavy Brooklyn accent) I heard that!
Lawyer
Right, but my point is, he’s a man, why don’t you put him in the male prison?
Warden
It’s full.
Lawyer
Oh, okay. Sorry to have bothered you.
Warden
(walks out) No problem.
Prisoner
Wait a minute!
Lady (off screen)
Can I have a lick of that?
Warden (off screen)
Sure, but don’t touch the ice cream.
Prisoner
That doesn’t make any sense!
Lawyer
It makes perfect sense. There’s no room in the male prison. How can they put you in it?
Prisoner
I could hang out on the roof.
Lawyer
(scoffs)
Prisoner
If you had eight inmates each hang their arms out the windows, through the bars, that would free up enough room for one more person.
Lawyer
Oh c’mon Steve, everybody knows prisons don’t have windows!
Prisoner
If twenty-six inmates could each lose five pounds that would create enough—
Lawyer
(laughs) you’ve been watching too much Law and Order. That shit only works in the movies. I’m sorry, it’s not possible. You’re just going to have to stay here. Anyways, it doesn’t seem like such a bad deal to me.
Lady (off screen)
Warden, would you like a cherry on top?
Warden (off screen)
Haven’t you heard? Cherry got out on parole.
Prisoner
(sighs) Alright, look. I have a confession to make. I’m not a man. I’m actually a woman.
Lawyer
(gasps)
Prisoner
I’m the ugliest woman in the world. That’s actually what I’m in jail for. I’m so ugly, I was in an ice cream shop, and my hideous visage made the ice cream melt.
Lawyer
That doesn’t sound illegal—
Prisoner
—and then I sealed all the doors and set the building on fire.
Lawyer
Ha! Just like a woman.
Prisoner
I was hoping I could get transferred to a male prison and maybe . . . meet a nice guy.
The Lawyer looks at Steve and seductively loosens his tie.
Lawyer
Well, Steve.
Prisoner
Belinda.
Lawyer
(beat) Well, Belinda.
Prisoner
Yes?
Lawyer
I’m a nice guy.
Prisoner
Yes?
Lawyer
And I think they should let you out of this jail.
Prisoner
Yes?
Lawyer
Because I know the real reason you ruined all that ice cream . . . you melted it. Because you’re so hot.
They both leap across the table and start kissing each other in a passionate frenzy.
Two FEMALE PRISONERS walk into the room eating ice cream cones. They see the Lawyer and Prisoner kissing and freeze in their tracks, shocked. A moment passes, then they slowly back out of the room, licking their cones in silence.
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