New Year's Resolutions

1. Write list of resolutions.

2. Keep list short.

Holiday Jokes

Is it too late for holiday jokes? Well, here are some anyhow.

I know it's been said before, but I'll say it again: this song transcends its simple lyrics and melody to achieve a surprising poignancy. I mean, Bob's just saying things that have been said a million times: "Love is all there is, it makes the world go round." Is there a more cliched sentiment? I guess, "All you need is love," might qualify. Anyhow, when those simple lyrics are sung in the context of this simple song, they sound complex, as though they've never been sung before. "One thing's for certain, you will surely be a-hurtin, if you throw it all away."

Via Hey Oscar Wilde! Illustrated by Chris Ware, scanned from The Acme Novelty Joke Book, Fantagraphics, 1996.

The King: Las Vegas, 1970. Via Magnificent Ruin

Nick Cave

Soundsuits by Nick Cave, watch them in action here.

Sexy Banana, from Everything Explained Through Flowcharts

Conservation status: Least Concern, via Wikipedia

the Green Knight

The holidays have laid me low.

I can't blog.

I just read part of Sir Gaiwan and the Green Knight.

I read the part where the Green Knight shows up

and Gaiwan chops his head off.

Then the Knight picks his head up

and says, A year from now

I'll return the blow.

Then he rides off. Super badass, the green knight.

I have to admit,

that's the only part of the story I've ever read.

But I've read it ten times.

"The true delight is in the finding out rather than in the knowing."

--Isaac Asimov, via

Love poem

Your lips are like grapes--sweet,

succulent,

plump with forbidden juices.

Your eyes are like two peeled grapes. Round,

an indiscriminate fleshy color.

Your nose is like three grapes.

Your ears are approximately four grapes each.

Your teeth are like 32 grapes

I forget how many grapes are in an adult's mouth

I think it's 32?

Your toes are stinky little grapes.

Your head is one big beautiful grape;

I think you're just grape.

Christmas Tragedies

1. Grandma run over by reindeer

2. Christmas goose too silly for consumption

3. Rendition of Jingle Bell Rock doesn’t rock the way a song with the word “rock” in its title should

4. Nakatomi Towers taken over by terrorists

5. Global warming turns out to not be a liberal media scam; Santa’s operation at the North Pole melts and sinks beneath the Arctic Ocean’s icy waves.

6. Elves unionize

7. Born Jewish

8. Rabid squirrel in Christmas tree

9. Christmas bonus actually just a ham

10. Father dresses as Santa: falls off roof; gets stuck in chimney; kisses Mommy

11. Mogwai gets wet

12. Left at home while family goes on trip to Paris; forced to fight burglars

13. Ghost of your former business partner drops by and gives you a hard time for being a humbug

14. You have four different Christmases to go to in ONE SINGLE DAY!

15. You shoot your eye out

16. Caught under mistletoe with lecherous stepparent, and your eyes lock for one second too long

17. Father leaves to buy cigarettes, never returns

18. That sweater you're wearing is the real tragedy!

19. You discover that the true meaning of Christmas is soulless capitalism

20. All the Christmas presents and decorations are stolen from your tiny village . . . or is it a tragedy after all?

excerpt from Everything Explained Through Flowcharts

12/24/11

I'll be home for Christmas.

Spacemen fighting giant insects

More old illustrations! Drawn by me.

These were drawn around a loose story, which is that astronauts go to a planet and take insects with them for research. But some weird radiation makes the insects grow really big. And then shit gets real. My favorite is the one of the guy roasting the bug over the lava pit. Click to embiggen. Does that need to be said anymore? WELL I SAID IT.

How tall is Tom Cruise? The AWL examines the shifting heights of the cast of Mission Impossible 4.

Twitter getting bitter?

Researchers at the University of Vermont have culled data that suggests Twitter users have gotten sadder over the past three years. They do this by:

. . . tracking a huge number of key words, ranging from everyday, neutral words like "the" to more emotive words like "pancakes" or "suicide"

I love that in this context, pancakes are the opposite of suicide. Makes sense. Read the article here at the Verge.

the Nutracker/Die Hard mashup

I did these drawings when I was a sophomore in college. I wanted to be an artist, but all I enjoyed drawing were people fighting, which is probably totally normal and not something to worry about. I spent long hours writing detailed descriptions of convoluted, violent fairy tales, such as the Nutcracker/Die Hard mashup seen above. (I imagined the tree was Nakatomi Towers.) I did a dozen or so illustrations, and these are my favorites from the series; I'm not sure why the last one is black and white.

Unicorn paintings by Mitchell Landsman.

Take this with you! It's the head of Union General Winfield Scott Hancock attached to the body of a fighting gamecock. Is this a nod to the general's combative spirit as well as a play on his name? Perhaps!

Available as a kit [!] from Katie Kutthroat on Etsy.

Still the best Joker.

Awesome diorama photos by Richard Barnes.

Billin' like a villain, via generic eric

Socks

Socks are like feet gloves.

Gloves are like hand socks.

Hands are like arm feet.

Give me five arm feet digits.

Slap them against the sole of my hand.

Feet are like leg hands

especially if you're a monkey.

Banana peels are like fruit jackets

expensive ones that only bananas can afford.

Jackets are like abdomen socks.

Abdomens are kind of like bananas.

If it's the abdomen of someone slouchy.

Sock monkeys are like monkeys made out of socks.

They are exactly like that.

They are that.

"In every work of genius we recognize our own rejected thoughts: they come back to us with a certain alienated majesty."

–R. W. Emerson

via the New Shelton Wet/Dry

Mad Honey

Check this out:

"Mad honey is honey made by bees from the nectar of toxic Rhododendron flowers. In places where wild Rhododendrons grow, including Turkey, it’s a health hazard. The dangers of mad honey were known to the ancient Greeks and Romans, and it’s reported that leaving tainted honeycombs in the path of invading armies was a popular military tactic."

--excerpt from article at Neuroskeptic

The fact that ancient armies used to plant organically booby-trapped honeycombs in the path of their enemies blows my mind.

Another Banksy

Bad Cardinal, via Juxtapoz

Famous comics emailing angrily

Judd Apatow and Mark Brazill had a hilarious, angry email exchange that is reprinted here at Harper's. It's impressive how Apatow keeps his cool and tries to reach an understanding. Even near the end, when Apatow finally delivers a devastating k.o. punch, he keeps it classy.

Phinally I'm a real Philebrity, it's ophicial.

Won it by 7 votes! It's a holiday miracle. Of all the many honors that have been bestowed upon me [there have been 2], none means as much to me as this one, which was bequeathed by the people of my native land, Wawasville aka Illadelphia. Now Johnny Goodtimes has to let me sit with him and the Geator at their table in the back room of Chickie and Pete's.

Murray and Thompson, where the buffalo roam. Via Yimmy's Yayo

Drawing by Leonard Robert Brightwell

Ambigram

For Christmas, Joe Moore drew my name as an ambigram. Thanks Joe!

Frank Sinatra has a Cold

There's a great old article about Frank, written by Gay Talese, over at Esquire. Some of my favorite parts:

This very strange boast about Sinatra:

"He controls the menus of every Italian restaurant in Los Angeles; if you want North Italian cooking, fly to Milan...."

And his run in with a young Harlan Ellison, who was shooting pool while wearing a pair of boots Sinatra didn't like:

Then Sinatra moved away from the stool and walked with that slow, arrogant swagger of his toward Ellison, the hard tap of Sinatra's shoes the only sound in the room. Then, looking down at Ellison with a slightly raised eyebrow and a tricky little smile, Sinatra asked: "You expecting a storm?"

Harlan Ellison moved a step to the side. "Look, is there any reason why you're talking to me?"

"I don't like the way you're dressed," Sinatra said.

"Hate to shake you up," Ellison said, "but I dress to suit myself."

Now there was some rumbling in the room, and somebody said, "Com'on, Harlan, let's get out of here," and Leo Durocher made his pool shot and said, "Yeah, com'on."

But Ellison stood his ground.

Sinatra said, "What do you do?"

"I'm a plumber," Ellison said.

"No, no, he's not," another young man quickly yelled from across the table. "He wrote The Oscar."

"Oh, yeah," Sinatra said, "well I've seen it, and it's a piece of crap."

"That's strange," Ellison said, "because they haven't even released it yet."

"Well, I've seen it," Sinatra repeated, "and it's a piece of crap."

Read the rest of the article here.

via Ffffound

new Banksy

New Banksy in London, via freshngood.

via Always Intense. BTW, I M DLOD RITE NOW. LKAB.

the Ministry of Secret Jokes: Holiday Secrets

The Ministry of Secret Jokes is this Wednesday at 8pm, upstairs at Fergie's Pub, 1214 Sansom St. We have a great lineup! Lots of special holiday stuff including songs, stories, and dramedy [dramatic comedy]. There will also be some tramedy [tragic comedy], balmedy [soothing comedy], and Tomedy [Tom jokes].

BUT SERIOUSLY: We'll have Gary Vider, Mike Robinson, Dagger, Juliet Hope Wayne, Amir Golan, Animosity Pierre, and of course an Omniana battle between James Hesky and Mayo. Also Andrew Marsh will be doing a special musical interpretation of the opening secret oath.

Now I have a machine gun: ho ho ho.

The Symbolism Survey

The images above are responses from Ralph Ellison and Ray Bradbury to Bruce McAllister, a high school student and budding writer who mailed 150 well-known authors a questionnaire about symbolism. Bruce received a surprising amount of letters in return, including responses from Jack Kerouac, Saul Bellow, and a hilariously rude Ayn Rand (who nonetheless answered all his questions). You can see more letters at the Paris Review.

Han Solo's gun! via Tomorrow Started. You can tell, just by looking at this gun, that Han was the type of guy who always shot first.

via Ffffound

Black Belt Jones, sucka!

via Robot in Disguise

Success

Self-delusion is a crucial antecedent to success.

Success is when self-delusion becomes reality.

Disillusion is when self-delusion gives way to reality.

Successful people mold reality to fit their delusions.

Happy people accept reality.

via Yimmy's Yayo

I am Santa Claus

Philadelphia filmmaker Tommy Avallone is shooting a documentary about the strange, shadowy world of real life Santas called I am Santa Claus. He has a kickstarter up now to help fund the film, where you can see some scenes from the film. It looks holly jolly awesome.

Abandonment [the pair], 1895, by Toulouse-Lautrec

Poetic Engrish [or Chinglish, take your pick] available from SignFail at Etsy, via this isn't happiness, which is basically the best Tumblr on the web.

Kermit and Jim, via If Charlie Parker was a Gunslinger.