Friday, July 17, 2009


Another essay for Everything Explained Through Flowcharts! You'll have to imagine most of the additional charts and such. You'll also have to imagine that the writing is good, and that you're interested in my point of view.

How To Choose the Perfect Tattoo

You want to get a tattoo, but you don’t know what tattoo to get. You realize that the right tattoo could transform your life: motivate you to take that cross-country motorcycle trip, get that hot barista at Starbucks to notice you, and make your big belt buckle appear un-ironic. But you also know that that wrong tattoo could ruin your life: get you kicked out of drama club, send unintended secret messages to bisexuals, and prevent you from wearing short sleeves at family reunions. 

Choosing what tattoo to get is literally the most important decision you will ever make in your entire life, and if you accuse me of hyperbole I will never forgive you in a billion years. Like most important decisions, choosing a tattoo is something you’re not qualified to do on your own (same reason we have the electoral college). Luckily for you there is now a flowchart to answer the question that your pastor is too holier-than-thou to help you with. 

The Perfect Tattoo Flowchart™, using a combination of statistics, psychology, science, and good old-fashioned witchcraft, is guaranteed to lead you to the right tattoo for you. Perhaps you’re thinking “But I don’t want a tattoo off a chart, I want a totally unique, one of a kind tattoo, to reflect my completely unique and special-like-a-snowflake personality.” I hate to break it to you, but there are no unique tattoos left, and snowflakes are an optical illusion created by swamp gas. Everything that can be tattooed onto a person (or pot-bellied pig) has been, except for the following four tattoos (See Figure 1), and depending on when you read this, those may have been taken too, probably by Johnny Depp. 

Choosing a tattoo is a two-part process. You must not only choose the tattoo, but also its placement on your body, which will effect the tattoos meaning (See Figure 2). If you go into the tattoo shop and don’t specify where you want that ink, it could end up anywhere, even on someone else. Here’s an example of how the same tattoo in different locations sends vastly different messages.

• American flag on arm: You’re a proud patriot.
• American flag on thigh: You’re a patriot, but kind of shy about it.
• American flag on butt: You’re extremely unpatriotic.
• American flag on forehead: You’re a psycho.
• American flag covering entire face and both fists: You’re a government engineered superhero.

People often decide to get a tattoo because of a dramatic life change—a difficult breakup, whirlwind summer in Thailand, or mob initiation ceremony. Be careful not to let the emotional turmoil of that moment cloud your tattoo judgment. Remember that that tattoo is going to be inscribed in your flesh for the rest of your life, until the day you die and are denied burial in a Jewish cemetery because you defaced your body and broke your grandmother’s heart.

Luke Giordano's Heavy Metal Band Names List

The charming and talented Luke Giordano came up with this list of currently available, copyright free heavy metal band names for inclusion on the Heavy Metal Band Names Chart.

Imaginarium's Fall
Gun Knife
Pregnancy StairKase
Judas' Hammer
Lord Metal and his Axe-Slingers of Death
Murder Wizard
Slikk Kitty
Baby Graveyard
Angel Smashers
A Quiet Party in Hell for Two
Anger Force
The Drums of the Anti-christ
Spies of Saruman
Transylvania Pie
George Harrison's Brain Pudding
Lovecraftian Tryst
The Miracle and the Sleeper: A Black Metal Tribute to the Music of Dream Theater
Rapelings from Planet X
Gargoyle Nightmare
Edje Ridor
Curb Stomp Tango
Belt of Souls
Spleen Karkass
Death Ride
At the Summit of Mt. Sorrow
Rings of the Succubus
Sword Cunt
Handicapped Sacrifice
Premature Decapitation

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Minor Disappointments


 1. Fortune cookie empty

2. Antique worthless

3.  Season finale inscrutable

4. Hot tub tepid

5. Spouse aging

6. Long story pointless

7. Mall Santa slightly Asian

8. Caricature looks nothing like you

9. Potato chips baked

10. Savages not noble

11. Picnic rained out

12. Summer camp friends drift apart in the Fall

13. Au pair not attractive; not even French

14. Vacation too short

15. Revenge hollow

16. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

17. Mentor lecherous

18. Sasquatch sighting faked

19. Outfit that looked great in the store looks not so great at home

20. Cookies eaten by roommate

21. Grandparents racist

22. Amish village touristy

23. Organic food unhealthy

24. Pancakes too filling

25. Company outing business-like

26. Triscuits unsalted

27. Twist ending predictable

28. Crossword puzzle difficult

29. Magic eye picture not working

30. Comedian tragic

31. Birthday ignored

32. Presents crappy

33. Holiday stressful

34. Prayer unanswered

35. Nature buggy

36. Ebay bid outbid

37. Innocence slowly eroded

38. Sex anticlimactic

39. Star Wars prequels

40. Party not wild

41. “Best years of your life” okay

42. Nostalgia unwarranted

43. Foreign film hard to follow

44. New haircut funky—not in a good way

45. Swimsuit unflattering

46. Master’s degree useless

47. Foreplay cursory

48. New sweater not complimented

49. Blog ignored

50. Friend request denied

51. Toast burnt

52. Poem unintentionally hilarious

53. Daughter plain

54. Altoids not as intense as their marketing claims

55. Hero rude

56. Bin Laden uncaptured

57. Cat unaffectionate

58. Baby ugly

59. Sermon soporific

60. Imported cheese smelly

61. Portion too small

62. Fancy cigar like sucking on a bundle of burning leaves

63. Really cute heels uncomfortable

64. Leftover french fries inedible

65. Beach crowded

66. Film you loved when you were a kid not so good anymore

67. Three day weekend wasted

68. Role model sexist

69. Boxing match civilized

70. Chicken salad sandwich dry

71. Dog disobedient

72. Puppy to sleepy to play

73. No room for dessert

74. Youth fleeting

75. Second place

76. Psychiatrist preoccupied

77. Old person not full of wisdom

78. Art unappreciated

79. Retirement boring

80. Christmas not white

81. Circus ratty

82. Fortune-teller vague

83. Exercise regiment effects gradual

84. Solar eclipse unimpressive

85. Vending machine out of order

86. Soda flat

87. Expensive wine tastes like regular wine

88. Buffet selection limited

89. New cubicle same as old cubicle

90. Sequel not as good as original

91. Awesome dream just a dream

92. Son not good enough to play major league ball

93. Pen pal dorky

94. Lap dance perfunctory

95. High five left hangin’

96. Scrabble triple word score word disputed

97. Inspirational quote uninspiring

98. Monkeyhouse closed for cleaning

99. Limerick not bawdy

100. Disappointment list depressing