Omniana

115. Ax-Horse of Painlessness

He has an ax head and a very big, strong horse body. He was abused by warlocks at the racetrack and lost all his sensitivity to pain. His endurance is infinite.

Omniana

159. Atlas’ Hand

As Atlas was at last being crushed by the world, his tree-sized hand and forearm narrowly escaped. A surgeon was able to restore his sight by installing an eyeball into his palm. When he stands completely still he is invisible, but you can still see his shadow.

Omniana

68. The General Bear

He used to be the General of a great bear army, but they were all slaughtered under his command. This is his burden to bear. Now he wanders the forest still in his uniform, executing strange maneuvers with his short sword.

Omniana

I'm drawing Omniana characters. Up first: Number 101, Wallace the Bulldozer

Wallace is very likable and convincing. He knows bulldozers all over the world. He is very slow but has a rocket launcher.

“What a charming fellow, simply charming. I’d believe about anything that machine said.”

Drawing I did for Quirk Books

Things Rock n' Roll Will Never Do

THINGS ROCK N’ ROLL WILL NEVER DO
Die
Turn it down
Turn it off
Let me get some damn sleep
Remember to put out the recycling
Stop rockin
Stop rollin
Just stop it already
Maybe consider throwing an oboe in there
Stop shocking parents
Get married
Settle down
Pay child support
Even acknowledge that the baby looks like Rock N’ Roll
Compromise
Pay a larger portion of the rent because it has the bigger room—which is filthy, by the way
Use an ampersand
Explain what a “backbeat rhythm” is
Take off its sunglasses while you lecture it on proper conduct

Columbo: Falk the Police

WWF FINISHING MOVES

Another essay for Everything Explained Through flowcharts. Again, I can't include the chart, for fear of Swiss thieves.

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Finishing moves are not all equally awesome, but all awesome wrestlers must have a finishing move. Without a finishing move, a wrestler is just the jobber in the blue trunks that gets smacked around by the Honky Tonk Man while Honky waits around for the Ultimate Warrior to take the Intercontinental Belt from him in an embarrassingly short match (32 seconds). The best finishing moves embody a defining characteristic of the wrestler who invented them, and are thereby indelibly linked to them: The DDT’s stunning speed mirrored Jake the Snake’s viper like quickness and cunning; the Perfect-Plex showcased Mr. Perfect’s technical prowess; and Junkyard Dog’s DogButt—where he would crawl on all fours, repeatedly headbutt his opponent, and then pantomime urinating on them—vividly illustrated his belief that he was a dog(1).

This chart isn’t a comprehensive list of every WWF finishing move. I limited its scope to important or influential wrestlers who were active between Wrestlemania I and XIII, a golden age of wrestling bookended by the wrestling boom of the 1980’s and the Attitude Era of the late 90’s. The Attitude Era officially began at the 1996 King of the Ring, when America embraced redneck heel “Stone Cold” Steve Austin’s victory over Jake “the Snake” Roberts, a willful act of stupidity with strong parallels to the 2000 presidential election(2).

You may notice that Crush’s Heart Punch is missing from the chart, as is the British Bulldog’s Running Power Slam, Dusty Rhode’s bionic elbow, and Doink’s the Clown’s Whoopie Cushion. If you did notice any of these omissions, congratulations! You’re a bigger wrestling nerd than I am. Also, the Heart Punch is a lame finishing move, Doink is literally a clown, the Running Power Slam is just a standard power slam with a running start, and while I liked Dusty Rhodes, he had big yellow polka dots on his singlet, and a doughy physique like one of those Hollywood character actors that always plays a hot dog vendor. So, although I tried to make this chart as comprehensive as space allows, it’s also skewed towards my personal preferences. (See Figure 2: Why Isn’t my Favorite Wrestler on This Chart?).

You might have noticed that this essay is more serious than the other essays in this book(3). That’s because there is nothing funny about professional wrestling—unless you think muscle-men playing dress up, smacking each other, and rolling around on the ground together is funny.

– – –

FOOTNOTES

(1) Incidentally, my favorite WWF entrance music is Junkyard Dog’s song, Grab Them Cakes.

(2) This is one of two instances in the book where I compare Al Gore to Jake “the Snake” Roberts. See if you can find the other one!

(3) You might have also noticed that none of the essays have a clear thesis statement, that the charts are riddled with curse words, and that this is the worst silver-anniversary present you could have possibly received.

The Future

Another essay for Everything Explained Through Flowcharts. This essay precedes a chart of predictions about the future, which I unfortunately can't post here, because if I do some Swiss advertising company will probably steal it.

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“Greetings, my friend. We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives. And remember my friend, future events such as these will affect you in the future. You are interested in the unknown . . . the mysterious. The unexplainable. That is why you are here.”

—The Great Criswell

This quote is an excerpt from the monologue at the beginning of Ed Wood’s seminal film Plan 9 From Outer Space; the Great Criswell, a prophet sent to warn humanity about its apocalyptic future, stares into the camera and speaks directly to the audience. I’d like to direct your attention to the second sentence: “We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives.” This sentence is true, and it also looks nice when engraved in a chiseled serif font on a radium plaque, which makes it the best kind of truth—the kind that can easily be viewed on the dark side of the moon, where the remnants of the human race will mount their rebellion against the machines in the year 2025.

You are interested in the unknown, that is why you are here. (See Figure 1: What You Want to Know About the Future). Unfortunately, we won’t have time machines for another twenty years (some scientists say twenty-three), and by then the future will already be here. However, I have something even better than a time machine: educated guesses. And when I say “educated,” what I mean is “four years of art school,” and when I say “guesses” what I mean is “absolute certainties.”

Before you accuse me of sorcery, let me assure you that none of the predictions on the Future chart were attained through the use of occult methods(1). They are predictions, not prophecies, and as such most of them were realized through relatively pedestrian methods (See Figure 2: How Were These Predictions Made?) It doesn’t take a Nostradamus to figure out that lasers will replace flyswatters, cheese graters, and reasoned debate, or that herds of teacup pigs will replace dogs as household pets. ­­­

­­­I can tell by the pink hue of your mood ring that you’re still skeptical about the validity of these predictions. Well it doesn’t matter, because by the time any of these predictions could possibly be disproved, this book will be long out of print and my writing legacy overshadowed by my career as a holovision product endorsement spokesperson for my line of home-cooking conveniences (See Figure 3: Inventions in the Horner Line of Home Cooking Convenience Products).

However, if my predictions do turn out to be true (they will), and twenty years from now you discover yourself searching for some small way to thank me, here is what you can do: Visit the Ed Wood Memorial on the dark side of the moon and—when Orion’s belt aligns with Mars—whisper my name into the windless, eternal night. Then please break me out of whatever robot-controlled radon mine I’m toiling in, assuming the machines haven’t already wiped my mind or turned me into a living battery. In which case just kill me.

– – –

FOOTNOTES AND FIGURES

(1) Although I didn’t use sorcery to make my predictions about the future, I probably could’ve, because my girlfriend is a witch, and I bet she’d help me see into the future if I asked her to—but that would open up a whole can of worms, because then she’d ask me to design a logo for her coven, or chart positive witch role models in popular culture, or something like that. Sometimes I think she’s not really a witch, she just likes to wear black. But after I think that I get really bad acne for a week, or I’ll flick on the lights in the bathroom first thing in the morning to find a spider sitting on my toothbrush, just staring at me. So she’s probably a witch.

Figure 1: What You Want to Know About the Future

1. Will Papa’s Mustache place in the third race?

2. When can I replace my girlfriend with a Robo-Gal?*

3. Is this as good as it gets?

4. Should I buy an alpaca farm?

5. When will the Rastafari overthrow Babylon and reach Zion?

6. Is this an awkward phase that I’ll eventually grow out of?

*Don’t bother. With the constant malfunctions, they’re just as much trouble as the old-fashioned kind

FIGURE 2: HOW WERE THESE PREDICTIONS MADE?

A. Common Sense

B. Uncommon Sense

C. Read about it in a Philip K. Dick novel

D. Calculus

E. Hairdresser told me

F. Magic 8-Ball

G. Using the Farmer’s Almanac

H. With a graphing calculator

I. Found beneath a loose flagstone in an ivy-covered corner of the garden.

J. Sunspot activity

K. Gut feeling

L. Not using sorcery, I can tell you that

M. Tip from a guy whose cousin is a bookie

N. 12 hours of meditation in a Hopi sweat lodge

FIGURE 3: INVENTIONS IN THE HORNER LINE OF HOME cooking convenience PRODUCTS

• The Horner Tub-Style Mechanical Chicken Plucker

• The Horner EZPZ Swine Sizzler

• In the Shell Egg Yolk Teleporter

• The Horner Lazer Flavr HD Tongue Dazzler

• The Horner-ator Flavor Replicator

• Sea of Tranquility Salt 12-Part Application System

• The Horner Hand-Held Peppercorn Incinerator

• The Horner Digital Wireless Mini Computer Spoon

• Smokeless Sandwich Crust Disintegrator

• The Dial-A-Genetically-Modified-Crime-Against-God-Frankenfood

Superpowers

The Spiderman, Batman, and other superhero documentaries have gone a long way towards fostering understanding between humans and meta-humans, but we are still worlds apart. “Can I gain superpowers during sexual intercourse?” is still a question I get asked all the time at meta human education seminars (See Figure 1: How Are People Gaining Their Supernatural Powers?). Superpowers are, for better or worse, part of our world now, and it's best that you familiarize yourself with these “gods that walk among us,” and their accompanying powers.

Perhaps you or someone you love are struggling with strange powers you don't want to talk to your doctor or spiritual advisor about, for fear of being sent to a superhuman government detainment facility? The Superpowers chart can help you identify your power and move on from there (See Figure 2: What Should You do After Identifying Your Powers?). Superheroes hate to be “defined” by their superpower. “Oh, just because my power is superspeed, you think I have commitment issues?” Or, “Just because I'm physically invulnerable, you think I don't have feelings?” I can't tell you how many times I've heard these complaints from superpeople I know.

Should you become a hero or a villain? Both have their advantages: superheroes win more often (See Figure 3: How Often do Heroes and Villains Win Their Battles?), but super-villains have more fun. You hardly ever hear super heroes laugh maniacally after a victory, but villains can do so for hours, their manic laughter bouncing off the walls of their underground lairs. Although powers themselves are neither good or bad, there are certain superhuman abilities that seem to lead to villainy, or are difficult to use in a positive manner: Mind control (possession), darkness control, poison generation, necromancy, self-detonation, disease bestowal. Superhuman intelligence especially seems to lead people down the “mad scientist route.” But whichever side of the law you choose to align yourself on, you’ll find the same career perks: flexible hours, excitement, and travel (See Figure 4: Where do Superhumans Fight Their Battles?).

Once you figure out what your particular power is, you’ll need to identify your weakness. Don’t worry, it will be something very rare! Perhaps a relic from your home world, a rare isotope, or the love of a pure woman. (Unless you’re a member of the Green Lantern Corps., in which case your weakness will be something incredibly common and inane.) If you’re unable to discover your weakness on your own, don’t worry, eventually your nemesis will figure it out. No matter what your weakness is, you will probably also be susceptible to magic, the annoying wildcard of the superpowers world. Many superheroes who are supposed to be invulnerable are still susceptible to the effects of magic. Super strength, mental powers, power negation, illusions—a magical being could have any and all of these powers. The chief drawbacks of magic are its unreliability, high prep time, and general cornyness. 

Young meta humans often argue about what power is “the best.” Super strength and invulnerability are top contenders, as is mind control and super intelligence. But even if your super power is something more humble (See Figure 5: Lamest Super Powers) just remember, it’s not the size of your power that matters, but how you use it. 

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FIGURE 2: WHAT SHOULD YOU DO AFTER IDENTIFYING 

YOUR POWERS?

1. Name yourself

2. Sew a costume

3. Fight crime/commit crime

4. Battle nemesis

5. Repeat

FIGURE 5: lamest super powers

1. Super boring

2. The ability to see 3 seconds into the past

3. Animal communication: worms only

4. Impenetrable dinner conversation

5. The strength of a dog

6. Invisibility to the opposite sex

7. Ennui

8. Heightened paranoia

9. Omnilinguism

10. Je ne sais quoi

Top Five Alien Pornos

1. ALIEN: A crew of spacemen get face-raped and impregnated by an alien whose head is shaped like a giant phallus, and whose blood is made of acidic sperm.

2. EARTH GIRLS ARE EASY: Aliens cross the galaxy to have sex with Geena Davis. The amorous invaders discover that Earth girls are indeed easy, assuming you look like Jeff Goldblum.

3. SPECIES: An alien succubus who conveniently looks like a underwear model has sex with a bunch of men before killing them. It won an Oscar for Most Thinly-Veiled Pretext for Sex and Violence. 

4. COMMUNION: Christopher Walken is given rufies by aliens and then probed in a lewd and invasive manner. There are also some great dance scenes.

5. MEN IN BLACK: Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones star in this sizzling summer blockbuster about secret agents who police alien activity on earth. If you want to see some real sizzling, check out the director’s cut, which has a scene where Jones has to suck the venom out of a poisonous alien bite on Smith’s tongue.

Doomsday Scenarios

I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that the world is going to end—maybe today or maybe a million years from now, but its destruction is inevitable. The end may come without warning; everything you know, including your cat, could be obliterated at any moment. “Oh no,” you think, “armageddon won’t happen to me.” You know who else thought that? (See Figure 1: This Guy).

That’s the bad news, and I realize it’s depressing. However, remember, I have good news as well: the good news is that, odds are, the end of the world is going to be awesome. Like a gut-shot gunslinger in an old western, the human race will fling itself over the balcony railing, screaming melodramatically as it falls.

For instance, theoretically, there are one-dimensional cracks in the fabric of space called cosmic string. Although only a proton thin, they run the length of the universe and have incredible density. We’re not sure whether or not they exist, but they might, and if they do, and if one were to touch the earth, the earth would be torn apart in a matter of seconds. The whole earth, reduced to cosmic rubble by invisible space string. How cool is that? (Cooler than nuclear winter, which is another completely plausible doomsday scenario.)

Or, there’s a chance that, if a large enough meteor hits the earth (it’s happened before) it could trigger simultaneous underwater volcanic eruptions that would make the oceans boil, spawning giant hurricanes that merge and form a hypercane, a giant storm the size of North America. Not to mention the volcanic ash and dust that would blot out the sun. Whoah.

Tidal waves, biblical plagues, alien invasion, hell reaching its maximum capacity and forcing the dead to rise from their graves, they’re all exciting possible doomsday scenarios. There are, however, a few boring doomsday scenarios: dwindling natural resources, a global pandemic, pollution, and global warming are all steady, gradual problems that could ultimately destroy the human race, hopefully before they bore us to death. Nobody wants to spend their afterlife telling other spirits “How did I die? Well, the earth’s temperature climbed half a degree every year for twenty years, which doesn’t seem like much, but that increase significantly increased the amount of algea in the oceans, which upset the foodchain and blabbity-blab blab boring scientific stuff.” The biggest reason to fight globabl warming is so we can obliterate ourselves in a flashier way, like by creating a miniature black hole or zombie plague. 

This brings up a frequently asked question: are humans stupid enough to end the world? This is a facetious question, because causing doomsday is anything but easy. Look at dodo birds—the dummies—they came nowhere near obliterating themselves. Rats, pigs—and yes, humans—had to do it for them. In a way, completely destroying our race or planet would be an impressive accomplishment, the crowning cap stone to our pyramid of self-destructive behavior. 

“Doomsday” in the sense I’m charting doesn’t require global demolition, merely the extinction of the human species (or permanent enslavement by another race, such as the Alien Zoo or Planet of the Apes scenario). The earth is a 4.5 billion year old ball of rock that is much harder to destroy than the human race, and the majority of doomsday scenarios would leave the earth intact enough to support other life forms (See Figure 3: Who Will Inherit the Earth?). 

Even if we avoid the many natural or unnatural catastrophes that could end the world, in a billion years our sun’s steady increase in brightness will evaporate all the oceans, which means there will be no place to vacation and the Earth will consequently be unlivable. Ultimately the universe will either continue expanding and tear itself apart at the seams, or reverse course and contract, ending in a cataclysmic reversal of the big bang.  

And while it would suck to be in the middle of one of those apocalyptic situations, you have to admit that the end of the world is far more exciting than anything else you’ve ever done, including that time you made out with the high school chemistry student teacher and then smoked grass in the back of his van.