Comedy Fashion: Steve Allen

The original host of the Tonight Show, Steve Allen. Nice jacket.

Comedy Fashion: Buster

God bless you, Mr. Keaton. Nice tie. Nice bag, too. I bet it's full of identical replacement ties, because he burns through them falling off moving trolley cars and such.

Iconic Movie Scenes Improved: DIE HARD, take 2

INT. NAKATOMI TOWERS, OFFICE - NIGHT

Hans Gruber and Mr. Takagi sit on opposite sides of a desk. Hans slowly places a gun on the desk, his eyes locked on Mr. Takagi.

HANS GRUBER
That’s a very nice suit, Mr. Takagi. It would be a shame to ruin it.

MR. TAKAGI
What do you mean?

Gruber smiles as he slowly pulls out and uncaps a permanent marker. He draws a big blue X on Takagi’s suit.

HANS GRUBER
I warned you.

Mr. Takagi stares down at his suit, willing himself to not cry.

MR. TAKAGI
[to himself] This day just keeps getting worse.
[looks up] What kind of terrorists are you?

HANS GRUBER
[laughs] Who said we were terrorists?

MR. TAKAGI
I don’t know, that’s just the scuttlebutt I’ve heard around the watercooler.

Iconic Movie Scenes Improved: DIE HARD

INT. NAKATOMI TOWERS, OFFICE - NIGHT

Hans Gruber and Mr. Takagi sit on opposite sides of a desk. Hans slowly places a gun on the desk, his eyes locked on Mr. Takagi.

HANS GRUBER
That’s a very nice suit, Mr. Takagi. It would be a shame to ruin it.

MR. TAKAGI
It’s already kind of ruined because I’m sweating like a pig, and also your goons got some gun oil on it. Frankly, right now I’m less concerned about my suit than I am about my personal safety.

HANS GRUBER
Right, well what I’m saying is, it would be a shame to ruin that suit.

MR. TAKAGI
[blank stare]

HANS GRUBER
. . . with blood. It would be a shame to get blood all over the suit.

MR. TAKAGI
Are you threatening me?

HANS GRUBER
Yes.

MR. TAKAGI
Are you threatening to throw blood on me?

HANS GRUBER
No.

MR. TAKAGI
I’m not wearing fur. Is this some sort of protest thing? What kind of terrorists are you?

HANS GRUBER
[laughs] Who said we were terrorists?

MR. TAKAGI
[miffed] It seemed like a reasonable assumption to me.

HANS GRUBER
No, no, I’m sorry, you’re right. I see how you could make that mistake.

Blockbuster, R.I.P.

via the always interesting Terry Richardson.

Chart

A promo chart I did for my book, Everything Explained Through Flowcharts, when it first came out.

The Perils of Self-Googling

I found this online a while ago, back when I was on AGT. It's hilarious for so many reasons. First of all I'm pretty sure Smiley Face is using Yahoo Answers wrong. "Is red a pretty color? I don't like cheese. Am I weird?" This isn't Yahoo Opinions.

Secondly, I love her tacit admittance that "everyone and the judges like this guy." Trapped in a world she didn't create, she wanders the wasteland of pop culture, wondering aloud why everyone likes pizza so much. "Am I the only person who hates hugs? Is there something wrong with me, some part of my brain missing that makes it impossible for me to experience joy? AM I A ROBOT?" She's like Rick Deckard in Blade Runner; if I knew her address I'd leave a paper maché unicorn on her stoop.

The post gets better as you go down. Under Additional Details she acknowledges, "He's funny if you get his jokes." Fair enough.

I also like that she gives Daniel B's answer 4 stars and the title of Best Answer. Well, yes. It's what you already said. When she says, "Thanks for agreeing with me unlike some people . . ." I imagine her casting an evil, sideways glance at her boyfriend, who is sitting on the couch wearing a Doogie Horner Fanclub t-shirt.

Making people laugh is great, but making them question their sanity is cool too. I'll take it!

via imgoingtohellforthis

Delirious. Via Henry the Worst.

"Art is the elimination of the unnecessary." --Picasso

The New Shelton Wet/Dry relays a revealing story about how context effects our perception of art.

The Onion AV Club dissects one of the greatest comedy scenes in the history of film, from the Marx Brothers's A Night at the Opera.

Newspeak and the Like button

via @machinestarts

Nolan Gilbride and I

This is a polaroid of my friend Nolan Gilbride and I. Nolan moved to Nebraska a few years ago, but he's visiting Philly for the weekend. Here's one of his jokes: "I hate how rappers act like they invented treating women like shit." He is a national treasure. The kind that Nicolas Cage is always looking for, when he's not busy being a ghost rider.

by Kate Beaton of Hark, a Vagrant! fame

The NYT on Philly Coffee

The NYT reports on Philadelphia coffee, charitably mentioning that our city has, "plenty going for it." Thanks! We are also, "nice," and "super nice." They mention some great cafes, but unfortunately don't give Old City Coffee a shout out.

I have a list up on McSweeney's

REASONS MY PUPPET SHOW WASN'T PICKED UP FOR TELEVISION

Puppet shows aren’t very popular right now.

No puppets are used in my puppet show.

At the beginning of the meeting, when they asked me to please leave the lobby, I rolled my eyes.

My pitch for the show was just slowly placing a loaded gun on the receptionist’s desk.

It will be difficult for me to direct the show from jail.

Politics!

I'm on the Used Wigs podcast, discussing Danzig, Rom-coms, and shirt-tucking pros and cons: USED WIGS PODCAST 86

Check out this Tumblr, it's pretty cool: Nice Try Bro. I'm a big advocate of men tucking their shirts in and wearing suits and stuff. And I like the explosion of mens' fashion blogs: solid ones like Put This On and inspiring ones like Mister Mort. But there are some dudes out there who don't know how to do it correctly, and they're making the rest of us look bad. Nice Try Bro separates the wheat from the chaff.

Fred Wilson

Million Dollar Movie Idea #1

Christmas Eve, 2010: Barack Obama is alone in the Oval Office—his wife and kids are visiting family while he’s stuck working late. The White House is empty, operating on a skeleton crew.

Obama starts to receive taunting phone calls from someone who claims to be Osama bin Laden. The calls keep escalating in their frequency and scariness until finally the call is traced: It’s coming from inside the White House!

This is the shocking TRUE story of how Barack Obama brought Osama Bin Laden to justice. Or shot him in the head or whatever.

If you decide to use this idea, please let me know and also mail me a check. Also please consider me for the role of the "portent of doom," in this case the janitor who makes an eerily prescient warning to Obama before he locks up for the night.

JANITOR:

You gonna be okay here by yourself?

OBAMA:

Sure thing. I'll be here to say hi to Santa when he shows up.

JANITOR:

[closing door slowly] Just check to make sure that's Santa . . . comin' down . . . the chimney.

See! This film practically writes itself. Also: Aziz Ansari as Osama. Or Obama. Or Bill Clinton [he has a cameo].

GPOY. I tried to shave my beard off, but I think I did it wrong.

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies

The original painting I did for the cover of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, before I merged it in Photoshop with the other portrait.

Omniana Battle

Below is a link to video of an Omniana Battle at the Ministry of Secret Jokes, April 2011. Reigning champion Steve Gerben, fighting as the Primary Swordsman, battles Anton Shuford, who is battling as Charlie the Giant Turtle.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Weblru3Qus8

"For relaxing times . . . make it Santori time."

a cartoon by Tom Gauld

Aaron Herzog, Steve Gerben, and Doogie Horner

I drew this for the original Ministry of Secret Jokes poster. If the portraits don't look accurate, just remember, this was drawn back in 2008, when everyone was scribbly-looking.

the Ministry of Secret Jokes is on flickr

The Ministry of Secret Jokes is building a flickr account. We have three years of photos to upload, all of them taken by the talented Michael Enio Reali. It's scary to see how terribly all the Philadelphia comics have aged—except of course for Aaron Herzog, who just gets more handsome every day! He's like Benjamin Button, but taller.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/mosj/

Great re-imagining of the classic Abbott and Costello bit, via McSweeney's:

http://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/whos-on-first

‘Kitsch is the inability to admit that shit exists.’

–Milan Kundera

The New Shelton wet/dry

Confidence men

Skit

TITLE CARD

Doogie Horner

Least Professional Professional Actor

NOTE: Throughout the entire skit, Doogie looks straight into the camera.

INT. VICTORIAN DRAWING ROOM

Doogie and a woman are locked in a passionate embrace. The woman is looking into Doogie's eyes and trying to force him to look at her, but he's looking straight into the camera.

WOMAN

But don't you see, it will never work! Stop chasing me! You can't have me!

DOOGIE

(never takes his eyes off the camera)

I love you.

WOMAN

Your love is a lie!

DOOGIE

Let the passion of my lips prove what all my stumbling words cannot!

Doogie tries to kiss the woman but refuses to move his head or stop looking at the camera.

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM

Doogie is dressed as a cop. A suspect is handcuffed in a chair. A deputy leans quietly in a corner.

SUSPECT

I'm innocent!

DOOGIE

(looking into camera)

Sure you are, I know that.

(holds up a knife)

Say, is this your knife?

SUSPECT

Why yes it is.

DOOGIE

Well you left it sticking in some dame's chest.

SUSPECT

Oh wait, I mean, that's NOT my knife.

DOOGIE

You killed her, didn't you?

SUSPECT

No!

DOOGIE

Admit it!

SUSPECT

NO!

DOOGIE

ADMIT IT!

SUSPECT

Yes! Yes! Fine! I did it!

(breaks down and cries)

The deputy walks up and pats Doogie on the back.

DEPUTY

Nice work.

The Deputy hands Doogie a cup of coffee that misses his hand completely and hits the floor because Doogie isn’t looking.

DOOGIE

Thanks Rollo.

INT. FAST FOOD JOINT

Two guys in matching black suits, dressed like characters in a Tarantino movie, walk in. A tracking shot slowly follows them through the restaurant as they walk toward the counter. Doogie stands behind the counter, staring straight at the camera, slowly coming into focus as the two leads walk forward.

BRIAN

So wait, let me get this straight. In France they call it a what?

PAUL

Coke.

BRIAN

They call Pepsi Coke?

PAUL

That's what I said.

BRIAN

And let me guess: They call Coke Pepsi.

Paul shakes his head “no.”

BRIAN

Sprite.

Paul shakes his head.

Paul and Brian stand directly in front of the counter, on the right and left side of the frame, ignoring Doogie as he stands behind the counter, staring into the camera.

BRIAN

A&W

Paul shakes his head.

BRIAN

Mr. Pibbs

Paul shakes his head.

BRIAN

Diet Green Apple Shasta.

Paul shakes his head.

BRIAN

What then?

PAUL

Shit nigga, they call it Coke Classique.

DOOGIE

(looking into camera)

Hi welcome to Big Kahuna Burger. Can I take your order?

Grapefruit

I just discovered grapefruits a couple months ago. I had never eaten one before. I think I had eaten one as a kid, and it was bitter, and I was like, “No thanks, I don’t need to ever eat one of those again.” I didn’t eat a grapefruit for 20 long years. I tried one a couple months ago—now they’re all I eat. I love grapefruits.

Looking back now, it’s hard to imagine what my life was like before grapefruits.

Time

The older you get, the faster time moves. It’s a fact. Since you have less unique experiences, you tune them out. Time seems to go faster because there are less unique things to remember.

Publishing

Comedy Fashion: Pythons

REASONS GUNS ARE COOL

They don’t kill people
Movie stars hold them
Sometimes they have a cool scope on top
They are not terrifying killing machines used by evil people to sow destruction
You can use them to crack walnuts
They look cool tucked into the waistband of your pants
They can’t be used to harm people, especially not people like James A. Garfield or the guy who used to run the store on my corner.
They prevent wars
They all have that special feature that ensures they never go off accidentally
Babies like them
You can even use them when you’re drunk
They’re fun to draw
Sometimes they have a cup holder on the side
They’re shiny

GLITCHES MY ROBOT HAS

Won’t let you turn it off
Cries a lot
Builds new robots out of stuff around the house
Breast feeds in public
Watches me while I sleep

Can't Keep Johnny Down from Jennie Thwing on Vimeo.

If the video skips, wait for it to load fully before playing. I guess you could have figured that out on your own, since this probably isn't the first time you've used the internet.

If you can't view the video at all, your eyes might be closed, or your computer might actually be a pizza box. If the picture looks fuzzy, a cat might be sitting on your desk. Move cat before watching video. THAT ADVICE IS FREE.

Bulldog