Skit

TITLE CARD

Doogie Horner

Least Professional Professional Actor

NOTE: Throughout the entire skit, Doogie looks straight into the camera.

INT. VICTORIAN DRAWING ROOM

Doogie and a woman are locked in a passionate embrace. The woman is looking into Doogie's eyes and trying to force him to look at her, but he's looking straight into the camera.

WOMAN

But don't you see, it will never work! Stop chasing me! You can't have me!

DOOGIE

(never takes his eyes off the camera)

I love you.

WOMAN

Your love is a lie!

DOOGIE

Let the passion of my lips prove what all my stumbling words cannot!

Doogie tries to kiss the woman but refuses to move his head or stop looking at the camera.

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM

Doogie is dressed as a cop. A suspect is handcuffed in a chair. A deputy leans quietly in a corner.

SUSPECT

I'm innocent!

DOOGIE

(looking into camera)

Sure you are, I know that.

(holds up a knife)

Say, is this your knife?

SUSPECT

Why yes it is.

DOOGIE

Well you left it sticking in some dame's chest.

SUSPECT

Oh wait, I mean, that's NOT my knife.

DOOGIE

You killed her, didn't you?

SUSPECT

No!

DOOGIE

Admit it!

SUSPECT

NO!

DOOGIE

ADMIT IT!

SUSPECT

Yes! Yes! Fine! I did it!

(breaks down and cries)

The deputy walks up and pats Doogie on the back.

DEPUTY

Nice work.

The Deputy hands Doogie a cup of coffee that misses his hand completely and hits the floor because Doogie isn’t looking.

DOOGIE

Thanks Rollo.

INT. FAST FOOD JOINT

Two guys in matching black suits, dressed like characters in a Tarantino movie, walk in. A tracking shot slowly follows them through the restaurant as they walk toward the counter. Doogie stands behind the counter, staring straight at the camera, slowly coming into focus as the two leads walk forward.

BRIAN

So wait, let me get this straight. In France they call it a what?

PAUL

Coke.

BRIAN

They call Pepsi Coke?

PAUL

That's what I said.

BRIAN

And let me guess: They call Coke Pepsi.

Paul shakes his head “no.”

BRIAN

Sprite.

Paul shakes his head.

Paul and Brian stand directly in front of the counter, on the right and left side of the frame, ignoring Doogie as he stands behind the counter, staring into the camera.

BRIAN

A&W

Paul shakes his head.

BRIAN

Mr. Pibbs

Paul shakes his head.

BRIAN

Diet Green Apple Shasta.

Paul shakes his head.

BRIAN

What then?

PAUL

Shit nigga, they call it Coke Classique.

DOOGIE

(looking into camera)

Hi welcome to Big Kahuna Burger. Can I take your order?