Wednesday, February 1, 2012


• Handcuff a suitcase to the vice president’s arm and command him not to open it unless there’s a nuclear war. Fake a nuclear war. When he opens the suitcase, have it be full of naked photos of his wife.

• Tell him that his job is very important. He fills a crucial role in the administration, and you value his contributions. Then ask him to empty your wastebasket.

• Have a Senior Advisor tell him that a new poll shows that Americans love it when he wears a bowtie.

• Ask him to stand in the corner of the oval office.

• Tell him that the White House needs to take a stronger stance on terrorism, and therefore you’d like him to drop the f-bomb sometime in his next speech.

• When foreign dignitaries visit, tell them the vice president speaks their language, then seat them together at lunch.

• Fake your own assassination. As the vice president is being sworn in as the president, have the first lady walk up and smack him in the face. ALTERNATE: Have the first lady walk up and kiss him on the lips, for a really long time.

• Ask him if he’s ever masturbated in the White House. Before he can answer, say, “Hold on a second,” and ask the director of the CIA to step in. Then say, “Okay, now answer.”

• Casually pass a joint around the table at a Cabinet meeting. If the vice president demurs, have the Attorney General assure him it’s cool.

• Walk into his office shuffling a stack of papers and looking confused. Say, “I don’t know what we should do about the economy. What do you think?” Ask him to write a 100 page report on the economic climate and give it to you tomorrow. When he hands it to you the next day, say, “Oh, the economy—yeah we fixed that already.” Then call him by the Secretary of Agriculture’s name.

• Wrap everything in his office in tinfoil. IMPORTANT: Have the CIA dose the vice president with LSD ahead of time.

• Displace a tribe of Native Americans from their land to erect a national monument, and name it after the vice president.

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