Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Exhumed Films

Every year I go to Exhumed Films' 24-Hour Horror Movie Marathon. Exhumed shows lots of cool, rare sci-fi, horror, and exploitation films all year, but the centerpiece of their programming is the 24 hour fest. All the movies are shown on film. Some of them are classics, some are rarities, and some abominations that have never seen the light of day. I think we've gone six years now? We've only made it the full 24 for the past two years. It's brutal, but awesome, and I look forward to it all year.
Here's the list of films they showed this year, in case you'd like to duplicate the experience in your own home.
1. The Gate
Classic, solid, well-done, and legitimately funny. Tiny demons invade suburbia. Similar feeling to Poltergeist.
2. Q: The Winged Serpent
Michael Moriarty's twitchy performance as the incredibly unlikeable Jimmy Quinn is what really drives this film. Brilliant, fun dialogue.
3. the Driller Killer
This movie bored a hole in me. Having said that, it was unique and boring in ways I've never been bored before. A unique film.
4. Extro
Another legitimately well-made film. Horror sci-fi.
5. Halloween 3
A lot of people hate this movie, so I was pleasantly surprised when it didn't suck. I mean, it kind of sucks, but in pleasing ways.
6. Suspiria
I can't believe I'd never seen this movie before. I've heard how great it is, and it was really well shot, but the sound design was overbearing and the story didn't grab me. Having said that, I acknowledge that everyone says this movie is great.
7. C.H.U.D.
Underground cannibals eat hobos. We missed most of this because we had to go home and walk Toby.
8. Night of a Thousand Cats
My favorite movie of the festival. Horribly shot, acted, and written in a perfect storm of incompetence that creates a film so awesome it couldn't have been done intentionally.
9. The Vampires' Night Orgy
Pretty solid little flick, although there's no orgy and only one real vampire.
10. the Hidden
Fun action/sci-fi/horror. The first scene is a blast and watching the characters tear shit up gives you a vicarious thrill ala Falling Down. Again, a legitimately well-made movie.
11. Little Red Riding Hood and the Monsters
Describing this film wouldn't do it justice. Just watch the beginning here. Unfortunately I slept through a little of it. It's so horrible, it's great.
12. Son of Blob
So horrible it's almost good. But not quite.
13. the Incredible Melting Man
Meh. Well done, but way too long. Most of the movie is just this drippy guy shambling around looking gross.
14. Humongous
Solid late-night 80s horror film. If you saw this on cable you wouldn't be disappointed, but not a standout film.
15. Dr. Butcher, aka Zombi Holocaust
Kind of a disappointing last film. Gross, low-budget, dumb, it should've been more fun than it was. But it's possible I enjoyed it less because I was so sleep deprived.

Thursday, October 25, 2012

"Carry me across the river," the clever dog told the horse, "and I will let you wed my daughter."
"Is your daughter a horse?" the lonely horse asked.
"Ummm . . . yes?"
"What, is she adopted?"
"Are you sure?" the gullible horse asked, "because your voice keeps going up at the end of each declaration, as though you're asking a question, or are unsure yourself."
"I will also give you all my gold," the clever dog said.
"How much gold do you have?"
"A lot? I mean—a lot. I have a lot of gold."

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Monday, October 22, 2012

Sunday, October 21, 2012

I like American music. Do you like American music?

Friday, October 19, 2012


I had a lot of fun reading some of my short fiction at the Greenlight Bookstore last night in Brooklyn. What a bookstore! It took every ounce of will I have to resist buying all the books—except the kids books cuz I ain't no kid.
Afterwards we went to a very nice German bar with REAL GERMANS working behind the bar. You could tell they were real because they had no strings or visible ball and socket joints. Also I lifted up one guy's shirt, and he had a belly button, so they weren't clones either. These were REAL LIVE Germans which is the area most German bars skimp on. You think I don't know the different between a German and a Dutch accent? Think again, bottom-shelf bullshit German bars.
Steve Gerben visited too and that's always a pleasure. He was drinking vodka from a coffee cup which is how Steve rolls—like a boss. He was wearing a beautiful shirt: nice checker pattern in complex earthy tones. I was looking forward to playing a game of chess with him but we didn't get a chance.
Afterwards Anna Goldfarb gave me a ride home and paid $2 for a plastic bag with 5 apple slices in it.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

the Final Joke

Hardy Harhar, the famous vaudeville comedian, is over 100 years old.
Death, a dark shrouded figure with a massive scythe, knocks on his door.
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Death who?"
"Death, the dark angel who has come to escort you to the underworld."
"Death, the dark angel who has come to escort you to the underworld who?"
"Death, the dark angel who has come to escort you to the underworld who is not the type of spirit who likes to joke around."
"Death, the dark angel who has come to escort you to the underworld who is not the type of spirit who likes to joke around who?"
"Death, the dark angel who has come to escort you to the underworld who is not the type of spirit who likes to joke around who do you think you are talking to the steward of hades, the ebony lord of all spirits and warden of the damned like he's some kind of schmuck?"
"Wow, you have a really long name! How do you fit that whole thing on your driver's license?"
"I don't drive."
"Really? Because you're driving me crazy!"
Death massages his temples like he has a headache.
"Look, I have a lot of people to escort to the afterlife."
"I bet you do."
"Are you coming or not? Wait, why am I even asking you? YOU'RE DEAD. COME WITH ME NOW!"
"You're dead, come with me now who?"
"Me who?"
"Forget it! I'm leaving. Fuck you, live forever, see if I care."
Death drops his scythe and walks away.

It's Dog Day

I brought my dog to the office yesterday, and he had a lot of fun staring at people until they petted him.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Andre and Hulk foreva! I like that one of Andre's finishing moves was a hug. I wish all of his finishing moves had just been him trying to do nice things but inadvertently injuring people due to his size. "The handshake." "Pet the bunny." "High five." "Can I hold your pysanky egg?"
[editor's note] I have been alerted that Andre's finishing move wasn't simply a hug, but was actually called the Giant Anteater Death Hug. My apologies.

Monday, October 15, 2012

Forget wifi, I want hifi. Illustrated by Derek Yaniger.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

New Poem



Wednesday, October 10, 2012

—although here we call them hoagies. via Yimmy's Yayo
Pablo Picasso, Guernica, 1937


Dog, 1982
Museum Security [Broadway Meltdown], 1983
50 cent Piece, 1983

Friday, October 5, 2012

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Get down, goblin!

Bert: Talk to the fucking elephant.

Monday, October 1, 2012

Everything used to be better. Even the hoodlums.