Of all the valuables lessons you learn at college, none is as important as how to drink until you almost die—unless you’re one of those nerds who doesn’t drink, and instead spends their evenings studying and anticipating with relish the inevitable day when all the jocks who used to mock them have to come crawling to the door of their lucrative software company, begging for a job (See Figure 1: How Are the Nerds Getting Revenge?).
Figure 1: How Are the Nerds Getting Revenge?
• Panty Raid
• Icy Hot on football team's jock straps
• Rousing speech
• Something involving computers
• Elaborate musical production
• Restore potion
• Saving throw
I never went to college, because I learned everything I needed to know on the streets—in the grimy back alleys and darkened juke joints; the smoky nightclubs and dead end avenues; the crazy criss-crossing maze of forgotten roads and grimy tenements that I grew to know like the veins on the back of my work-hardened hands—you prissy, pampered, ivy league fop. Actually, I didn’t learn everything on the streets, I also learned quite a few things on an Alaskan crabbing boat. And there was this old WWII vet who had half his face burned off, and when I was a kid I’d play chess with him—learned a lot of stuff from that guy. And I learned massage therapy from the University of Phoenix Online.
One thing I definitely didn’t learn on the streets was how to drink like a college student. So when I began research on this chart, I had no idea what sort of drink names I would find. Had I known, I might’ve charted something less disturbing, like War Crimes or Feces Casseroles (See Figure 2: 15-Minute Feces Casseroles).
FIGURE 2: FUN 15-MINUTE FECES CASSEROLES
1. Sloppy Joe Shitpot
2. Crispy Crap Ragout
3. Steaming Excrement Sweetbread
4. Mushroom Manure Hotdish with Grits
5. Zesty Guano Guacamole Casserole
6. Bohemian Poopoolatta
7. EZ Number Two
8. Green Bean Carbonnade Feculence
9. Lima Bean Stool Bake
10. Granny Smith’s Hotpot Turd Surprise
11. Tetrazzini au Diarrhea
The names of drinks only college students order provides a revealing snapshot into the minds of young adults at a pivotal age—and that snapshot is the scariest photo I’ve ever seen. It’s like that blurry photo of Bigfoot, if Bigfoot was staring right at you, had a massive erect penis, and was wearing a Who Farted? t-shirt. That startling mélange of mystery, smut, and innocence is at the black, beating heart of drinks only college students order. They are simultaneously jaded and juvenile, appetizing and disgusting, innocent and profane. Witness the sophomoric sacrilege of the Dragon Dick, Vampire’s Woo Woo, Spunk Guzzler, and Fuck My Bum Crack.
The profane names and scandalous nature of most of these drinks are an embarrassingly inept attempt for college students’ to assert their adulthood. “I can shittin’ swear if I dick-suckin’ want to, Mom! Pass the smurf-fuckin’ potatoes!” It’s like listening to a foreign exchange student try to curse in English. The desire to shock often supplants all other considerations, including plausibility (eg. Bear Fucker), desirability (eg. Sweaty Shit), and acknowledgement of cosmic irony (eg. Call an Ambulance).
No exploration of college drinking habits would be complete without mentioning that other uniquely collegiate tradition—drinking games (See Fun Drinking Games, on page xx). You can’t just suck down a drink as special as the Lick My Banana—it deserves pageantry, pomp, a special sacred process not unlike the changing of the guard at Buckingham palace, or that crazy dance lizards do before they have sex (See Figure 4: Lizard Mating Dance).
FUN DRINKING GAMES
Whether you’re partying with the guys or snowed in during nuclear winter, these great games are guaranteed to put the “fun” in “functional alcoholic!” Bottoms up!
Here’s a fun game to play if you like to have fun and also enjoy drinking. First you’ll need a stack of a hundred quarters. Hide each quarter in a different spot all over the city. Then go into a bar and get shit-faced. When the bill comes, leave a treasure map detailing the locations of each and every quarter in lieu of payment.
Modified version: Use nickels instead of quarters. This version is called Dimes.
To play this game you’ll need a deck of cards and a bottle of whiskey. After shuffling the deck, place it face down in the center of the table. Drink the bottle of whiskey. Think about how everything is such bullshit. Mutter the word “bullshit” over and over again between drinks. When the bottle is empty scatter the cards all over the room.
DEATH IN THE AFTERNOON:
Go to Spain and drink wine until you become a truly great author. Write very truly and very fully, standing as you bang out your stories on an old Corona. See a bullfight or two. Lay in a big bed with a plump thighed woman and drink cold sweating glasses of beer naked under the crisp white sheets and the spinning palm frond fan. Forty years later blow your brains out with a shotgun.
WHY ARE WE DOING THIS?:
This is a good “get to know you” party mixer kind of game. Have everyone stand in a circle. Turn to the person on your left and ask “Why are we doing this?” Then they turn to the person on their left and say the same thing. This continues until someone decides to say “Human interaction frightens me.” This reverses the order of play, and the person on their right now has to say “Alcohol numbs my fear.”
Any time someone screws up or says the wrong thing, they have to drink. Anyone who tries to break free from the circle is tackled by everyone else, dragged into the center of the circle and forced to make small talk with the least attractive person at the party.
Any number of people can play this game, but you need at least four people to fulfill the following roles (in order of descending authority): President, Vice-President, Vice-Asshole, and Asshole. Each player has total authority over all the players below them, and can command them to drink at any time, or perform various menial and degrading tasks.
The most popular or feared person at the party is the President. The slightly shorter guy that agrees with everything he says is the Vice-President. The awkward introvert who’s too shy to admit he doesn’t want to play the game is the Vice-Asshole, and the social pariah who is so desperate for acceptance that he’ll do absolutely anything is the asshole. A crowd is also useful to embarrass the asshole in front of.
How to Begin:
Every round must begin with each of the players fulfilling their role’s prescribed duties.
President: Remember all the times you’ve disappointed your father. Visualize everyone as tiny pawns you move on a chessboard. Cruelly demean people based on whims. Dole out miniscule portions of kindness and bask in the resultant fawning gratitude. Wonder why homeless people don’t just get a job.
Vice-President: Turn your fear of being demoted to Vice-Asshole into fuel that stokes your white-hot furnace of cruelty. Kiss the President’s ass. Visualize your fear of failure and social rejection as a scarecrow. Now put the Asshole’s face on that scarecrow; treat the scarecrow accordingly.
Vice-Asshole: Take comfort in the fact that no matter how bad you have it, you have it better than the Asshole. Prove to everyone you’re not the Asshole by being crueler to the asshole than anyone else. Do not touch the Asshole, for fear that his bad luck might rub off on you. Scheme to become Vice-President.
Asshole: Reflect on the irony that you’re the only person not behaving like an asshole. Wonder why you’re playing this game, and then remember that even negative attention is better than being ignored. Pray to the god of your choice for deliverance/vengance.
ALTERNATE VERSION 1:
Add a deck of cards to the mix; move them around the table in meaningless patterns while everyone berates the asshole.
ALTERNATE VERSION 2:
The Asshole refuses to play the game, but everyone calls him an asshole anyways. He leaves the party, but continues to play the game for the rest of his life.