Yo Momma Battle Winner: Charles Rosen.
Yo Momma Battle sample snap, by John McKeever: Yo Momma is so ursine. Not because she's big and hairy, but because every time we have sex she has a salmon in her mouth.
Omniana Battle Winner: Joe Mayo. This was an intense battle. Brendan Kennedy was the defending champion, and he is a monster. As Mayo said last night in his victory speech/drunken screed, Brendan is the Ken Jennings of Omniana. There was a stretch where Brendan held the title for over a year.
But last night Mayo came out of the gate strong in the first round, which put Brendan on the defensive, and he was unable to gain momentum. Usually going first is a disadvantage, but Mayo used it to seize the offensive [literally and figuratively].
Mayo's character was a little girl, and although his card didn't say so, Mayo said she was high on acid. Brendan was a clockwork bounty hunter, and Mayo said he was going to give Brendan AIDS—which, once again, wasn't written anywhere on his card—and that AIDS makes you get covered in purple spots, which may not be true. Brendan called Mayo a hockey player and asked the crowd to vote with their hearts, which might've worked against Joey Dougherty, but couldn't compete with Mayo's drunken bear dance. The battle was a stunning tour de force from Mayo. I think everyone will be excited to see these two match up again. This is a rivalry that ranks right up there with Gerben vs. Barker.