Monday, July 18, 2011

Skit


TITLE CARD
Doogie Horner
Least Professional Professional Actor

NOTE: Throughout the entire skit, Doogie looks straight into the camera.


INT. VICTORIAN DRAWING ROOM
Doogie and a woman are locked in a passionate embrace. The woman is looking into Doogie's eyes and trying to force him to look at her, but he's looking straight into the camera.

WOMAN
But don't you see, it will never work! Stop chasing me! You can't have me!

DOOGIE
(never takes his eyes off the camera)
I love you.

WOMAN
Your love is a lie!

DOOGIE
Let the passion of my lips prove what all my stumbling words cannot!

Doogie tries to kiss the woman but refuses to move his head or stop looking at the camera.


INT. INTERROGATION ROOM
Doogie is dressed as a cop. A suspect is handcuffed in a chair. A deputy leans quietly in a corner.

SUSPECT
I'm innocent!

DOOGIE
(looking into camera)
Sure you are, I know that.
(holds up a knife)
Say, is this your knife?

SUSPECT
Why yes it is.

DOOGIE
Well you left it sticking in some dame's chest.

SUSPECT
Oh wait, I mean, that's NOT my knife.

DOOGIE
You killed her, didn't you?

SUSPECT
No!

DOOGIE
Admit it!

SUSPECT
NO!

DOOGIE
ADMIT IT!

SUSPECT
Yes! Yes! Fine! I did it!
(breaks down and cries)

The deputy walks up and pats Doogie on the back.

DEPUTY
Nice work.

The Deputy hands Doogie a cup of coffee that misses his hand completely and hits the floor because Doogie isn’t looking.

DOOGIE
Thanks Rollo.


INT. FAST FOOD JOINT
Two guys in matching black suits, dressed like characters in a Tarantino movie, walk in. A tracking shot slowly follows them through the restaurant as they walk toward the counter. Doogie stands behind the counter, staring straight at the camera, slowly coming into focus as the two leads walk forward.

BRIAN
So wait, let me get this straight. In France they call it a what?


PAUL
Coke.

BRIAN
They call Pepsi Coke?

PAUL
That's what I said.

BRIAN
And let me guess: They call Coke Pepsi.

Paul shakes his head “no.”

BRIAN
Sprite.

Paul shakes his head.

Paul and Brian stand directly in front of the counter, on the right and left side of the frame, ignoring Doogie as he stands behind the counter, staring into the camera.

BRIAN
A&W

Paul shakes his head.

BRIAN
Mr. Pibbs

Paul shakes his head.

BRIAN
Diet Green Apple Shasta.

Paul shakes his head.

BRIAN
What then?

PAUL
Shit nigga, they call it Coke Classique.

DOOGIE
(looking into camera)
Hi welcome to Big Kahuna Burger. Can I take your order?

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